Prince Harry donates to UCSB, but mandates students wear ginger wigs in return

March 11, 2023 by

Harry was revealed to have donated $690,000 to UCSB because he has “a lot of money from colonialism” and “doesn’t know what to do with it.”
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Theater majors with praise kink doing terribly

October 11, 2022 by

I’ve been rejected from the shows so many times that I was Pavlovian-style conditioned into liking it
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Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

May 19, 2022 by

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.
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An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

May 16, 2022 by

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.
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Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

May 10, 2022 by

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 
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Quirky Check! Aesthetic Girl Spills Yerba Mate in Backpack Instead of Plain, Old Water

April 27, 2022 by

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!” 
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Is Freedom Really Free? Class Crush Ugly Under Mask

March 31, 2022 by

“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted a...
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March Madness Gains New Meaning, Everything is Just Insane and Scary

March 30, 2022 by

Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.
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Shocking Revelation: It’s a NASAL Swab???

February 24, 2022 by

This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “rev...
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A Certified Slay! University To Demand Cocktail Attire in All Dining Halls

February 18, 2022 by

Kiss your flip flops and crop tops goodbye! In an attempt to make UC Santa Barbara institutionally “swag as fuck,” dining halls are mandating a strict formal dress code at all meal times.  In a p...
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