Weather

January 10, 2002

Plover Porno

By Staff

Plovers are chubby chasers. That is why most of Sands Beach is closed off. Too much exercise kills the erotic tension on the beach, destroying the plover’s natural chunky love. Flying, running or even shifting thei...

January 9, 2002

Living With a Hernia

By Staff

The weatherpet is not a young guinea pig. He was confronted with this fact over Winter Break: one minute he was kicking and punching with Billy Blanks, the next he was futilely grasping at his side. The doctor poked the ...

January 8, 2002

A Sight as Lovely as a ‘Shroom

By Staff

I intend to resurrect the art of journalistic prose.

January 7, 2002

Weather Geek

By Staff

As the rest of skied and ate turkey this holiday season some of us here at the Nexus were working hard. Managing Editor Curtis Brainard mucked out 30 years of Nexus funk. I was in the library working on the WeatherThesis...

November 30, 2001

Weather: To the Battle-Hardened

By Staff

Congratulations, you made it! The end of week 10! Just a Dead Week and some tests left. Let me guess: the days took eons, but the weeks went by in a flash. Let me guess: You didn’t study, but you’ll do just f...

November 30, 2001

Barraging the Brussel Sprout Barricades

By Staff

The weatherpet is a vegan

November 29, 2001

In Memory: El Canario (1988 – 2001)

By Staff

The weatherbike was stolen last week. It was parked, whistling cheerfully at passerby in its bright, yellow fashion. The weatherbike was always cheerful, even when it lost its handlebars and the brakes failed and the sea...

November 28, 2001

Weather: We’re The Golden Children Turning Bronze

By Staff

The Hometown WeatherQuintilogy: #3 Santa Barbara is too expensive for people with actual problems. Ridiculous local apartment rents equal a house mortgage in any rural shithole, so you can’t afford a severe psychos...

November 27, 2001

Drugs, Babies and Marriage

By Staff

Going home is always heavy. Friends and family can really jack up their lives while you’re away. I’ve found the majority of the hometown heaviness involves just three things: Drugs, babies or marriage. Someti...

November 26, 2001

Jesus Mutants!

By Staff

My home town is full of mutant people! Obese mutants! Acned mutants! Jesus mutants! Mutated Mutants! Witness to such perverse genetic disaster require months of trauma counseling among Santa Barbara’s tanned and to...

November 21, 2001

It Was Only 10-3

By Staff

Here at the Nexus, we believe in giving credit where credit is due. In the traditional Nexus sloshball game against A.S., held last weekend, there was much that was deserving. For example: although there were at least 10...

November 20, 2001

WeatherDefiniton

By Staff

The Turkey Drop noun. 1 the cutting of one's losses in mid-November.

November 19, 2001

Life With Father

By Staff

The weatherfather instilled valuable advice via fear. To prevent the weatherchildren from swimming in the lake he described amoebas. Amoebas, as I understood them, were amorphous carnivorous demons from the bottom of pea...

November 16, 2001

Print of the Great Pumpkin

By Staff

So I have a pumpkin.An eighty-plus pound pumpkin.As giant pumpkins go, I’m told it’s a small one.The pumpkin is sitting in the middle of my living room, but really, the rest of the living room is sitting arou...

November 14, 2001

Like butta’, baby! Butta’!

By Staff

The skateboarders of Isla Vista officially thank the county for its long-overdue road work.

November 13, 2001

The pot of gold on Trigo Road

By Staff

Yesterday a glowing, colorful and perfect half-circle of a rainbow made me laugh and jump for an hour while the warm afternoon rain soaked my hair and clothes. Gorgeous and misty, the bright colored bands told me why anc...