Plovers are chubby chasers.

That is why most of Sands Beach is closed off. Too much exercise kills the erotic tension on the beach, destroying the plover’s natural chunky love. Flying, running or even shifting their weight burns valuably sensual calories.

I have begun acting as the plover pimp. In the night I descend upon the beach armed with weight gain and Marvin Gaye to bring a little population boost to the sexually starved flock.

Thursday’s Forecast: Plover mojo rising.