Weather

May 5, 2004

Hating the Haters

By system

I'd like to use today's space to clear a colleague's name. He wrote a column last week imagining the glorious sexual possibilities presented by cloning.

May 4, 2004

Kids, Don’t Hold Guns, M’Kay?

By system

A federal drug agent was giving a gun safety presentation in Orlando a few days ago when he accidentally shot himself in the leg.

May 3, 2004

Poop

By system

Goddamned sonuvabitchin' shit-ass.

April 30, 2004

We Still Don’t Understand

By system

OK, it's late Thursday night, and I have the funniest joke I've written all week (not saying much) all ready to go. When I go to drop it in, I find my space pillaged by some bullshit correction.

April 29, 2004

Prettiest Boy in Troy

By system

That new movie about the Trojan War looks pretty cool. My only beef is with the casting. Brad Pitt as Achilles? Achilles' one weakness is supposed to be his heel, not his girlish face.

April 28, 2004

Smitty Checks Out

By system

This box says 'Weather' on top, so I guess I should mention it's been hot enough to kill the elderly lately. Whoops - I guess that was kind of insensitive. There goes my readership at the old folk's home on El Colegio.

April 27, 2004

Hell No, We Won’t Protest

By system

I was thinking about the assholes protesting against Karen Hughes here on Sunday. Now, I'm not the kind to accuse a person of being un-American just because they are protesting someone.

April 26, 2004

Professional Crastinator

By system

I don't really have time today to sit here and tell jokes. I've got a midterm tomorrow, which means I've got to get home and clean my room, cook a full dinner and organize my desk.

April 23, 2004

Sore Loser

By system

So I wasn't elected A.S president. How many people voted for me, you ask? Well, I'd rather not say. I'm just not comfortable putting a number on it.

April 22, 2004

Running Mate

By system

I received an email Tuesday from a 17-year-old from Los Angeles named Cesar. He asked me a bunch of questions about the weather, and I tried to answer them all.

April 21, 2004

4/21 Is Try Again Day

By system

I heard from a few people who were surprised yesterday that I didn't have anything to say about 4/20.

April 20, 2004

Great Day for Demockracy

By system

Today is A.S. Election Day, and while I'm sure that most of you have already decided who will get your vote... Wait a minute. You haven't decided a damn thing.

April 19, 2004

Leaders Need Rest

By system

And you, too, Nexus? I see that my own newspaper has chosen not to endorse me for A.S. President. I could have used my inside influence to secure the paper's vote, but that would have required discarding the values upon ...

April 16, 2004

Cornering the Sofa Vote

By system

I had a big rally planned this weekend to wrap up my presidential campaign, but then I realized the NBA Playoffs start Saturday.

April 15, 2004

Making Friends in the Mud

By system

Sincere thanks today to the League of Independent Candidates. Your column on today's Opinion page changed my mind about a few things - I never realized that wackos could write such reasonable response letters.

April 14, 2004