Mind, Body & Soul
My dearest Gauchos, today we will be discussing the do’s and don’ts of oral sex. Now, I have qualms with both my XXs and my XYs regarding your respective oral habits, and this may result in being ...
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As Halloween approaches, I find myself wondering what wonders the October holiday has in store for me. Will I relive freshman year, when a downpour melted the “costumes” off of a group of Isla Vis...
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Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today a woman who enjoys indulging in her favorite adult toy when her roommates are gone. I am an avid fan of toys and if you aren’t, then you’ve probably n...
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Readers, it is with my first words that I must apologize: This Hump will not be on the seduction strategies of women in I.V. as was promised last week. Instead, I have been compelled by a number of so...
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With the first weekend of school recently past, I find myself in the aftermath of what few parties I could be dragged to, analyzing the information I gathered from them. While adrift in our beloved de...
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As the new school year dawns, I find myself inundated by the increased amount of strange faces around IV. These are undoubtedly our new and deeply respected incoming freshmen, and so allow me to welco...
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Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to keep his relationship with a girl casual. Let’s call him a “noncommittal dating partner.” Understandably, however, he was often mistaken for a boy...
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It’s that time of the year again. June gloom slowly creeps up, with the calendar bitching at you to get your life together while your hands desperately shove tequila shots down your throat in an att...
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If you ever feel like risking your immortal soul, it is my suggestion that you peruse Craigslist’s casual encounters. The activity is quite enjoyable, especially if you are as demented as me and my ...
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Until college, I was the prude. The hot Asian prude, but nonetheless the prude. At my ironically slutty all-girls Catholic school, everyone tried to hide their obvious skankiness. And while my boyfrie...
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Now, I know I have almost beaten gender roles in our society to death, but I’ve still got one last little bit to harp on. All of this theory is leading up to something — a part of my sex life an a...
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Alumni Weekend came as quickly as an undersexed 35-year-old with a full-time cubicle job as soon as he spots something fertile. Like a dark, ominous cloud — holding not refreshing showers, but a dis...
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Most unfortunately, in order to speak of this next topic, I will have to address something fetid and repulsive. I’m going to talk about an aspect of intercourse that is often lost, forgotten, feared...
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The average person tells seven lies a day. I’m not sure if I read that from a Snapple fact or if I just made that up. But anyway, I didn’t believe it at first, until I started listening to half th...
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Nation. People. Literate UCSB students. I come before you today to offer a study that will revolutionize science. Its elegance, infallibility, and pure genius will force the Nobel committee to establi...
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“dusty rusty crusty musty ass california hills”
“frowning in plaid (haunted radios, bird bones + anthropomorphized wind)”
“warming my hands on bridges i’ve burnt”
“songs that make me see god”
“My Playlist #236”
“classy wine moment and intellectual conversation”
“90s heroin chic model off duty”
“tweet tweet bird emoji map emoji”
“not my circus, not my monkeys”
“a grave is probably cheaper than an apartment”
“ATE THESE BITCHES LEFT NO CRUMBS / DID IT IN DESIGNER PUMPS”
