As Halloween approaches, I find myself wondering what wonders the October holiday has in store for me. Will I relive freshman year, when a downpour melted the “costumes” off of a group of Isla Vista women, and my friend and I were given the unforgettable image of a pack of women running while holding their exposed breasts? Will I again encounter the guy in assless chaps strutting his situation all over DP? Or will I be treated to police on horseback confiscating a dominatrix’s horsewhip because it poses a clear and present danger to her submissive counterpart?

One would hope. But what makes Halloween like this? Why do the masses flood to I.V. to dress as sluts and superheroes and superhero sluts? Well, the answer is simple: It will get you laid.

In this article, in lieu of examining the seduction strategies of women as I had planned, I wish to examine the seduction strategies of Halloween. I feel this is a decent replacement, as it happens to overlap a great deal with the typical strategies used by women in I.V.

So let’s get started. Square one is the most natural of the costume choices: the “really, you might as well be naked, who are you kidding?” costume. This costume may also be known as the Nurse, the Firefighter, the Bumblebee or the “Duh … I’m a rabbit!” It involves wearing virtually nothing. Now, the tactic is very simple: Show a lot of skin. I am a personal fan of this tactic, as it is beautifully simple and also beautifully motivational. For example, I have been convinced to be a Home Depot-themed male stripper on one of the nights this weekend. I partially agreed to this because I have been slacking in the exercise department lately, and the idea of having to walk around in nothing but boxers, a tool belt and some tastefully placed washers is truly an impetus to undo the damages these first few weeks of school have inflicted on my exercise routine. So the “who are you kidding” costume has the benefit of being a motivational tool, as well as a fun way to parade yourself without shame. If you’ve never tried a “who are you kidding” costume, I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Next, we will examine the suave costume. This costume involves being a badass, and usually involves wearing something conservative but slimming. For women, this can be stiletto heels, a whip and skintight leather. For men, more often than not, it’s a superhero costume. My default suave guise is a Batman suit. On top of being well-known, this choice agrees nicely with the fact over half of my wardrobe is black. Now, in the same way I respect the stripper outfits for being physically motivating, the suave costume tests intelligence and creativity. Since you cannot simply show skin and be done in this costume, you must rely on equal parts wit and sexiness. It’s the classy seduction — the woman in the sexy, floor-length dress or the man in the full-body business suit. It takes raw charisma, but if you make it work, you will be getting phone numbers left and right.

The third costume is the cuddly, innocuous one. This costume is what the slut costume would be if you actually dressed as a bunny, bumblebee or Charlie Brown (and yes, that implies that I have seen a slutty Charlie Brown). It is fuzzy, conservative and at first glance completely unisexual. Then you’re suddenly 10 drinks deep and that bunny costume starts to look pretty soft, and the next morning you have to reconsider thinking furries are just weird fetishists. Now, some of the people wrapped from head to toe are actually quite devious. They use that Minnie Mouse costume to catch you off guard, and a moment later they are clumsily fumbling at you with their cartoon hands. I speak from personal experience. Not from a Halloween party, but at a ‘toon theme costume party where I found myself pinned to the wall by a particularly horny Roger Rabbit. It was terrifying. Beware the Care Bear whose gaze fixes on you the moment you walk into the room, for soon you will learn why they wanted you to call them “Love-a-Lot” bear.

And finally, we have the “wtf?” costume. A favorite of hipsters, the sole purpose of this costume appears to be that you have to ask what it is. It may be a sign hanging around someone’s neck. It may be a single,

strangely shaped protrusion from their chest. Or it might be a weird symbol tattooed on their face. Either way, I have to respect the simplicity involved with the wtf? strategy. Especially if it is accompanied by a good pickup line:

“Hey, my friend and I were just wondering, what are you?”

“I’m whatever you want me to be, baby.”

Perhaps this approach lacks creativity, but it nonetheless has potential for sex appeal. I’m one to judge anyways, as lack of creativity is precisely why I will be dressing up as a Home Depot stripper this Halloween. Tips in the tool belt, please.

Anonymous does not condone violating pumpkins.