My dearest Gauchos, today we will be discussing the do’s and don’ts of oral sex. Now, I have qualms with both my XXs and my XYs regarding your respective oral habits, and this may result in being a bit of a rant. You could say I’m going to give this topic a righteous tongue-lashing. Let us begin.

Ladies: You and I will be discussing the matter of swallowing, because, as we all know, ladies never spit. To my surprise, I’ve encountered many a female who divulged that, when facing the barrel of his gun, they turn their head to the onslaught, choosing instead to spit it out, or have them release their little soldiers into a napkin, mug, what have you. For shame! When I asked for their reasoning, the most common excuses I was given were that it was “icky” and “demoralizing.” Surprisingly, “icky taste” was significantly a better predictor of fluid rejection. Well, my response is thus: You’re already gobbling his pee stick, so don’t give me that bullshit. Commit. If you think it’s gnar or you feel shamed, then don’t partake in oral sex! It’s a world of unsavory things; you’re just getting your panties in a bunch about the last few seconds. Besides, you shouldn’t taste it. Why in God’s name would you? The trick is to swallow continuously from the moment he makes that “huurremmgn” sound to after he’s done convulsing. When his salty seas cascade against the shores of your uvula, do not sit and ponder his body tang! Choke it back like a true Gaucho! All those shots better have instilled some life skills!

When discussing it with an associate to get the male perspective on the feminine denouncement of man juices, he stated that having a girl spit it out felt like a rejection. When they did finish the process, it was rewarding in that it felt like he was being accepted completely. This is very similar to the kissing phenomena I will discuss later on. Now, I’m sure overall, men are happy just to be able to stick their custard launchers in some girl’s orifices; they really can’t complain. But I can. Not only is the experience much cleaner, it is obviously sexier (you are excused, ladies, if you let him finish on your chest). I’ve heard girls say they spit it out in mugs. That is far gnarlier to me. I would never, ever, be able to use that mug again.

Gentlemen, you’re much worse. There are a few different topics we will be discussing in the realm of salivating on other’s genitals.

Exhibit A: You never do it long enough. When discussing this article with my female friends, this point was unanimous. We take longer than you. As I previously mentioned, you better commit. Almost always, once you get bored you say something along the lines of “you good?” No. No, we are not good. We may say we are, but only because we don’t want to make you slave away in our vaginal concentration camps. It’s supposed to be a fun time, and if you make it clear you’re exasperated, that’s a turnoff. What if some chick was going down on you, pulled back, gave a deep, tired sigh and said, “You done yet?” Mmm, that’s arousing (…said no one, ever).

Exhibit B: Dual action. You wonder why we don’t come when you’re spelling the alphabet down there with your tongue? It’s because you need to use your fingers too. It will significantly speed up the process, I promise you. Think of it this way, when we go down on you, we don’t do it with our hands in the air. We are grasping your leaky hose with our hands, stroking to add more to your pleasure experience. Well, that and because I have a phobia that it’s going to go up my nose … or in my eye … that’s a trauma I could do without. Anyway, use both.

Exhibit C: Kisses, post-swallowing. If she heeds my advice and swallows her medicine, so help me, you better kiss her afterwards. If you don’t, you don’t deserve it. Nothing feels more like rejection when you don’t and nothing is as sexy when you do. It’s the gratification we get for our deed. I’ve had guys avoid the kiss and it really pisses me off; eventually I just don’t want to do it for him anymore. I’ve also had guys who, the second I’m done, flip me onto my back and ravish my mouth. That was rad and it got me stoked on hooking him up in the future.

Okay, my smutty sweethearts, go do your homework. It’s Halloween! What better day to suck on someone’s treats? Just remember not to spit your candy out too soon or to reject the gooey center. Happy humping!

Hayley E. takes her coffee black, no creamer in this gal’s mug.