Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today a woman who enjoys indulging in her favorite adult toy when her roommates are gone. I am an avid fan of toys and if you aren’t, then you’ve probably never had one.

Though initially timid about self-lovin’, my ex bought me my first, and since then its rumbling voice has coaxed out many a satisfied sigh. If you’re intrigued by toys but have never summoned the cajones, or if you are a veteran vagina-whisperer, then please, read on.

The best way to take the next step is to integrate a lovely assistant into this party in your pants. Don’t be shy; a lot of the time guys are just randomly pushing your buttons in hopes of setting off some fireworks. With this, he knows that you are for sure going to get yours (your junk will be properly rewarded for all his misaligned prodding). Allow me to suggest some options that I have found to be incredibly gratifying.

If you’re just starting out with toys and are unsure how to best implement the aforementioned “vroom vroom” to your nighttime boom boom, I recommend cock-rings.

It turns your gentleman’s giblets into a trembling, quivering shaft, which is still not the full-blown experience of a vibrator, but imbues you with a sense of the good things to come in your sex toy future (let it happen).

You can get these bad boys for five bucks a pop, so no high financial commitment is required. Cock rings are very simple and require little effort on the part of the sir. Just stretch the ring around his deep-V diver and have it settle around the base. And voila! Now, have sex.

Before I move on, a word of advice: Do not invest in the ones that go inside of you. It is certainly uncomfortable to have a small device inside of you already when your Casanova is insistent on stabbing it further in with his wang. Just mellow out with the basic version. You’ll get comfortable with the idea of vibrators, he’ll enjoy mixing it up, but it’s all still familiar.

Once invested in a vibrator of a higher caliber, line up in naughty spoons and have him enter you from behind. Bring your top leg up so that your fleshy flower is exposed and he can have full access to it. The angle is tight for you both and there’s going to be clitoral stimulation up the yin-yang. He can then hold the vibrator to it as he goes for the gold from behind. The dual action feels crazy good and you can both get off. I suppose this position would work for both of you lying on top of him or doggy-style, but I feel you both can balance better and focus on the task at hand with a greater deal of precision.

Recently I’ve been foraying into the world of kink and my hook-up buddy played this little gem out for me (more on that delicious topic later!) Standing up with your arms behind your back (good luck with that), he has the vibrator. What I like about this one is that it can work for either g-spot vibrators or ones that stimulate your clit. He holds it to your bits, rubbing it back and forth, in and out, what have you. The catch? You cannot reach your happy ending until he says so. You must ask him. If he’s naughty, he’ll take a few moments to ponder your request. Once given the okay, the desperation will give way to wicked awesomeness. You should do this close to a cushioned surface, as you will most likely fall over and eat shit otherwise, Jello-legs.

Finally, if you are a guy and interested in how a vibrator would feel, that’s great. Why wouldn’t you want your junk to be electronically stimulated? We dig it, so why wouldn’t you? While I am fearful of referring to Cosmo’s suggestions, one in particular did seem safe and potentially enjoyable. Very simply, when she is going down on you, stick the vibrator to her cheek. The muted vibrations alongside her already righteous tongue lavishing should be pretty bomb.

So Gauchos, I leave you to fantasize about toys. Go forth, prosper and bask in all they have to offer. You should always be comfortable with your body. Doesn’t it seem a little silly to be unfamiliar with what’s between your legs?

Hayley E. has managed to make jello that much dirtier.