Armchair QB

February 28, 2007

Melting Witches

By Armchair QB

After hearing about the 'witch hunt' tip from Gary Sheffield, the QB is heading to Scottsdale with a Super-Soaker to melt some steroid juicers.

February 27, 2007

Peachy Dash

By Armchair QB

Georgia Tech alumn Calvin Johnson ran the 40-yard dash at the NFL Combine in almost 4.31 seconds, about the amount of time it takes Bill Simmons to fart out a column.

February 26, 2007

5-5-5 Deal

By Armchair QB

So, Dominos, when you sponsor a NASCAR team, what do you look for in a driver? Obviously, you aren't too concerned about crossing the finish line in one piece.

February 23, 2007

Dollar Dollar Bills Y’all

By Armchair QB

For all you young athletes who need a lesson on where to invest your money, do not be like "Pacman" of the Tennessee Titans and flaunt it on strippers.

February 22, 2007

A Nose Above the Rest

By Armchair QB

Congrats to Manu Ginobili for scoring 24 straight points last night. Just remember, it was against the Hawks. And don't trip over your nose.

February 21, 2007

Major League Drama

By Armchair QB

Hey ESPN, no one cares whether Derek Jeter still has dinner with Alex Rodriguez on their off nights. This is major league baseball, not an episode of "Entourage," so report it that way.

February 20, 2007

Can’t Keep It Up

By Armchair QB

After losing the Daytona 500 by .020 seconds, Mark Martin might be wishing he had stuck with his old sponsor. Viagra obviously gave him more stamina late in the race.

February 16, 2007

Shake and Bake

By Armchair QB

After Jeff Gordon's car failed a postrace inspection - the drug testing of NASCAR - the QB has to conclude that even engines are juicing up in bathroom stalls.

February 15, 2007

Apology Not Accepted

By Armchair QB

"I'm sorry, I wish I didn't say 'I hate gay people.'" What is an apology going to do, Tim Hardaway? Didn't you see how stupid Kramer looked when he went on Letterman?

February 14, 2007

Tour de Lance?

By Armchair QB

After conquering the world of cycling, what else does Lance Armstrong have left to do but enter the NYC Marathon with fellow wash-up P. Diddy? Or is it Puff Daddy?

February 13, 2007

Simmons scooper

By Armchair QB

Since when does ESPN sports columnist post a diary about the Grammys? If ESPN.com was a tool shed, Bill Simmons would be the pooper scooper.

February 12, 2007

B-day Wishes

By Armchair QB

Happy Birthday Abe! Come back from the dead and tell me where to get one of those spiffy hats and then suit up for our intramural basketball team.

February 9, 2007

Juiced to Break the Record

By Armchair QB

Bud Selig seems to be quite the apathetic man. He skirted the steroid issue and now he is refusing to shake Bond's hand if he breaks Hank Aaron's record.

February 7, 2007

Just Do It

By Armchair QB

The QB is appalled that the Bulls fined forward Tyrus Thomas for saying he was only interested in money. No athlete is in it for the money; just ask Lebron what he thinks about Sprite.

February 6, 2007

Gamblin’ Man

By Armchair QB

If Charles Barkley can gamble away ten million dollars in his lifetime and still be a Hall-of-Famer then why is Pete Rose still excluded from Major League Baseball's illustrious honor?

February 5, 2007

Butterfinger Bear

By Armchair QB

After yesterday's putrid performance in the Super Bowl, Rex Grossman will probably need a new job. After all of those fumbles, the QB is thinking Butterfinger spokesman.