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We’ve Run out of Ideas, so It’s Time to Rank Bread

Fuck it, we ranked the bread.
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BREAKING NEWS: MEN AIN’T SHIT

Men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.
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New Snapchat Update Now Leading Cause of Divorce

Having a 200-day or more streak absolutely guarantees a zero chance of divorce.
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UCSB Student Complains About First-World Problems, Insists You Don’t @ Her

These issues REALLY matter.
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White Girl’s Semester Abroad Didn’t Totally Change Her Life

Shocking news arrived from a small suburb outside Los Angeles.
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UCSB Accepts Record Number of Out-of-State Students to Pay for New Science Building

Over 5,000 students were found to have been marked as in-state admissions over 3 years.
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Top 5 Things Every Senior has to do Before Graduating

Here is the ultimate, most amazing, super fun, totally Gaucho, UCSB bucket list for graduating seniors.
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Top 5 Ways to Get a Sugar Daddy

Sugar daddies are the next big lazy millennial endeavor, and here are the top five ways to get yours.
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Frat Boy Creates 8th Day of Week to Spend More Time with ‘The Boys’

Traditionally, only Saturdays have been for the boys, but now, more and more days are being consumed by this ritual.
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What Happens When A Student Stays in I.V. Over Spring Break

What happens when you are the one left behind forced to suffer through the best weather and most stress-free environment all by yourself?
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Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.
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10 Things the Elf on the Shelf Overheard During the Holidays

This festive little buddy comes out to decorate the house with candy canes and lights and does more than just overlook from his perch.
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How To Avoid People from High School 101

You thought you would never see them again after you threw your cap in the air, but if you go home for the holidays, you are bound to see at least 60 percent of your graduating class at some point.
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Friendship Manor Gives Up on Noise Ordinance, Throws Rager Instead

The drinks were flowing all night as slutty nurses spoon-fed the elderly residents Jell-O shots, and orderlies laced their oxygen tanks with dank kush.
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QUIZ: How Spooked Are You?

BOO! Oh, you didn’t really flinch … This is awkward.
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