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One Stacked Library: The Post-Finals Realization That You Have Been Dating Davidson

As planned, Davidson Library will under- go a significant expansion and renovation over the course of the next two years. Construction begins this summer and will be completed sometime in 2014. Curren...
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Protagonist Finds Solace in Gordita Crunch Wrappper

Recently, I took a trip to Taco Bell. I was craving my usual cheesy Gordita Crunch, but the real reason I wanted to go was to try the new Doritos locos taco. This new item combines the satisfying hear...
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It’s Gettin’ Hot in Hurr’: Partygoers Nearly Suffocate in Hormone Cloud

UCSB’s Christ-centered fraternity threw a party this past Saturday. With no drugs or alcohol there, the party was completely fueled by the force of repressed sexual energy emanating from the male an...
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Yang in a Wig to Replace Snoop Dogg at Extravaganza

Due to bad investments, the Associated Students Program Board has discovered it cannot afford to hire legendary rapper Snoop Dogg for next Sunday’s Extravaganza concert. Fortunately, our generous le...
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UC San Diego Student’s Drug Bust Turns Into Luckiest Thing Ever

On April 20, Daniel Chong was just relaxing and smoking marijuana with friends. Though it was the annual 4/20 holiday, smoking was not a rare activity for Daniel. He was just going about his normal da...
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OPP, DP, B.O.S.S.: They’re All Just Arbitrary Acronyms to Me

Voting for UCSB’s annual Associated Students elections begins this Monday, and I still don’t know which party to vote for. I was going to vote for the party that put the large, obstructive signs i...
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Man Uses Titanic in 3D as Last-Ditch Effort to Get Laid

On Saturday, April 7, local ladies’ man Brendan Marden bought tickets for himself and Jennifer Pollard for the newly re-released “Titanic” in 3D in an attempt to get laid. Marden, who had been ...
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I Got Arrested; George Zimmerman Did Not Get Arrested

On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers w...
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Bro, Your DJ Career Is Probably Not Going to Work Out

Dear Morning Stack,   Everybody is pressuring me to be something I’m not. My mom wants me to stay in school. My dad wants me to be a doctor, but I want to be a DJ. I’m not interested in chemi...
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Jeremy Lin: Greatest African-American Basketball Player Ever

Linsanity has reached a new milestone. After only two-and-a-half weeks of stellar play, the basketball world is in agreement that Jeremy Lin has eclipsed Detlef Schrempf as the greatest African-Americ...
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The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories

This past Tuesday the Daily Nexus published its Best of 2012 issue. Readers voted on the best restaurants, locations and establishments of 2012. Today we have our own edition — The Best and Worst of...
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FBI Agents Giddy About Gaucho Gossip

Prompted by three recent acts of terrorism in the UCSB community, the student body has fallen under scrutiny from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Reporters have learned that these age...
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Raucous Party Sparks Philisophical Debate

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? The famous words of philosopher Charles Mann hold special relevance for Kyle Bartman following his belligerent 21st birthday pa...
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Teammates Criticize Eli Manning’s Stupid Face

As the New York Giants prepare to face off with the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years, Eli Manning’s leadership is being questioned by his own teammates due to...
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Peeping Tom Mulls Over Puzzling Heartbreak

When you get betrayed, it is best not to let your emotions get the best of you. Even though my emotions are still raw, I am taking this opportunity to vent. Recently I was left heartbroken by someone ...
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