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Cats Can’t Read

October 8, 2004 by

There's more than one way to skin a cat, but using a potato peeler is probably not the most efficient choice. Nor the most humane, I suppose. Unless you tranquilized it first or something...
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A Macroscopic Success

October 7, 2004 by

There are still many unanswered questions in this universe: If you were a quark, what color would you be? Would I become a genius if I ate the brains of a Nobel Prize-winning physicist? How does it fe...
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Too Much Information

October 6, 2004 by

Presenting the latest installment of "When Sports Commentators Get Really Desperate"
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Walking Chernobyl

October 5, 2004 by

I met a lady who said her aura extended a whopping 3 feet from her body. This, she informed me, is quite abnormal; most auras are only a few inches.
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Stupid Pet Owner Tricks

October 4, 2004 by

This weekend, I watched a hamster spin around in a wheel. Hamsters seem to do this a lot if given the chance, which makes me wonder why most other animals don't.
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There’s No Use Arguing

October 1, 2004 by

In last night's Great Debate, Kerry and Bush both explained their qualifications to lead Iraq. Bush cited his testosterone levels, and Kerry countered with the fact that he, too, is male and resolute.
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Waste and Want Not

September 30, 2004 by

I can't make it from one end of the Arbor to the other without being accosted by the flier zombies. Only a week into the quarter, I've already accumulated enough coffehouse show ads to kindle a modera...
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Code Red City

September 29, 2004 by

The U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security just bought the entire town of Playas, N.M. (pop. 50), for use in anti-terror training (seriously). Emergency workers will simulate anthrax attacks, suicide bombin...
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What a Deal

September 28, 2004 by

Words are important. I'm not just saying this as a biased newspaperhuman. Words, or the lack of, can completely change the meaning of stuff and all that.
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Drowning the Rat

September 27, 2004 by

Has Bush stirred up God's divine wrath? Some Internet sites are saying that Hurricanes Charley, Frances and Ivan directly hit only those Florida counties that voted for Bush in 2000. It's an interesti...
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Anchors Aweigh

September 24, 2004 by

My heart goes out to the DP residents who've suddenly been forced by the county to find a new place to live, and all because of some silly business about their homes being about to collapse.
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Take a Load Off

September 23, 2004 by

Recently I heard a freshman ask her companion, "Do you think we should bring our textbooks to class?" Unfortunately, many students fail to bring their textbooks on the first day.
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Welcome Back

September 16, 2004 by

Oh boy, a new school year. It's times like this I wish I could travel back in time and start summer all over again but this time that goddamn balloon salesman would BEG to ...
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Friends Without Benefits

July 7, 2004 by

So I'm sure people are all a-twitter about the Friends finale. I think it might be a while before another sitcom that big comes along.
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Rent-a-Friend

June 30, 2004 by

Change is in the air at the weatherhouse. The weatherhousemates are being forced to relocate because their greek organization is threatening to charge them several hundred dollars if they don't move i...
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