I met a lady who said her aura extended a whopping 3 feet from her body. This, she informed me, is quite abnormal; most auras are only a few inches. I stepped back, not because I was worried about invading her aural privacy, but because “aura” sounds like a euphemism for “personal radioactive field.”

If I become a bit of a hermit, you’ll know what I’m hiding from.

Tuesday’s forecast: In the next stage of human evolution, we will microwave food using our own bodies.