Recently I heard a freshman ask her companion, “Do you think we should bring our textbooks to class?” Unfortunately, many students fail to bring their textbooks on the first day. Fortunately, if you are reading this before class, you may still have time to get them (assuming you arrived at class the recommended 20 minutes early). Another helpful tip: highlighters. Highlighters help to “highlight” the parts of your textbooks that are particularly important. I recommend at least four colors because studying will be more fun if you can switch from one color to another! You can even use a certain color for each class. (If you are taking more than four classes, get an additional color.) By maintaining proper study habits such as these, you are guaranteed to meet with academic success, earn the admiration of your peers and fuck your pencil sharpener out of insanity.

Thursday’s forecast: Student Health endures the traditional back-to-school hernia rush.