Weather

May 8, 2002

Weather: I Thought We Were Friends, Dave

By Staff

The WeatherComputer has been rebelling. It shuts down on its own, runs programs nobody tells it to; it's trying to take control.

May 7, 2002

Weather: It’s Not a Virus, It’s Free Porno

By Staff

The dirty Melissa Virus infected Nexus computers for about a week. It scrambled Word documents and had the potential to send porno to everyone who communicates with the Nexus via email. We didn’t hear any complaint...

May 6, 2002

Weather: Sic Semper Tirannus!

By Staff

My house was invaded by a spy in the form of a small dog.

May 3, 2002

I’ll Be a Millionaire

By Staff

Scientists recently announced the development of Radio-Controlled Rats(tm)(c)(r), rats with electrodes in their brains that can be made to perform different tasks.

May 1, 2002

Give Em’ a Hardy Cheer Again, Hurrah!

By Staff

I made a decision to conquer senioritis. As the weeks go on it has become harder and harder to roll out of bed and face the last class of my undergraduate education (being taken pass/fail).

May 1, 2002

The Examined

By Staff

Observe the calm of the graduating seniors. Though they have screwed off all quarter and rebelled against their masters only to be caught and put to midterms, they calmly await their fate and prepare to shuffle off this ...

April 30, 2002

Weather History

By Staff

Referred to in female terms: Weatherpriestess, weathergodess, etc.

April 26, 2002

It Will Make Begging on Bended Knee Easier

By Staff

In the spirit of the Sports Facilities Fee initiative I promise a fee added to next year

April 26, 2002

I’m Burnin’, I’m Burnin’ for You

By Staff

Nexites are festive people who cherish special occasions. They're also more interbred than European royalty. .

April 24, 2002

I am Not a Crook

By Staff

Today you have a chance to do your duty for your school and democracy: Write in "Weatherhuman" for A.S. President. I promise to do nothing.

April 24, 2002

Yellow Journalism

By Staff

So I didn't win.I was hindered by my lack of promotional materials, endorsements and supporters

April 23, 2002

Weather: Mi Corazon!

By Staff

I'm learning Spanish. One of my weathermates has gotten hooked on a new Novela. Everyday he tunes in at 2 p.m. to get his latest fix of sex, pregnancy and family angst. From what I've learned, I can say "you have wounded...

April 19, 2002

Free Stuff

By Staff

What's the best thing about graduation? Is it the insecurity of being without a social and financial support structure? Is it the terrifying prospect of monthly student loan payments?

April 19, 2002

Weather: Little Webbed Bastard

By The Weatherhuman

Childhood figures do not have sex. Despite allegations, Scrappy is not the love-child of Velma and Scooby. Skipper is Barbie's "younger sister" and Huey Dewey and Louie are just bunking with their rich Uncle.

April 18, 2002

What to Give the Great Buddha?

By Staff

Thursday's Forecast: A swift kick to the nuts.

April 17, 2002

Pussy Melon

By Staff

I love stupid useless crap. That is why I'm ecstatic over the grand-opening of the Isla Vista dollar store. Morning Glory's replacement is chalk full of discount pasta, Chinese made mermaid dolls, designer imposter perfu...