Opinion

April 2, 2003

Battling for Their Lives

By Joey Tartakovsky

So far, the most alarming development is that of Saddam's paramilitary forces. More and more, it seems that these individuals - not tanks or contingents of uniformed soldiers - will determine the course of battle.

April 2, 2003

Thump, Thump

By system

There is a weatherpet this year. It happens to be a hamster. The weathercavemates enjoy tormenting the weatherpet. They like to turn its cage around and watch it get confused.

April 2, 2003

Pardon Me, but What Wind Through Yonder Orifice Breaks?

By Beth Van Dyke

It is the female equivalent to limp dick. People refuse to discuss it. But being the disgustingly frank love kitten I am, I wanted the truth to be told. Can't hold my cunt trumpet down.

April 1, 2003

The Peasent’s Voice: Small Problems Can Get Big if You Don’t Deal With Them Early

By Olaf Fjordson Viking Exchange Student

"What light through yonder closet breaks?" quoth I Sunday morning last, upon my re-arrival at the dormitoria after the break of the Spring Festival.

April 1, 2003

The Peasent’s Voice: Damned if You Are, Damned if You Aren’t: Witches Found in Dorms

By Wynona Rooter Freshman

This may shock and awe all of you, but with the Good Lord's help I hope that you all might suspend your disbelief at this most wretched news I here reveal.

April 1, 2003

The Spring Goddess Returns

By Corinth of Anthony apprentice apothecary

'Tis the wonderful time of Spring once again. Flowers bloom, the days lengthen and the maids doth begin the annual shedding of their winter layers.

April 1, 2003

Ask Nostradamus! The Man with the Magick Mirror Has All the Answers

By Nostradamus Oracle

Dear Nostradamus, I am a lesbian and have come out to all my friends here at UCSB. Everyone seems pretty accepting, which has been great. I want to come out to my parents, but I'm afraid of how they will react. Do you ha...

April 1, 2003

Ponder

By system

March 31, 2003

Living Without Vowels: Navy Seals and Dolphins

By Steven Ruszczycky

Down in San Diego, there's a water park like no other. It's not Sea World, a place where killer whales playfully spray children, walruses cavort on stage and kiddies of all ages can pet anything from sea urchins to starf...

March 31, 2003

Limited Resources

By system

I have returned from Spring Break with pleasant (if hazy) memories and no money. My cupboards are empty, my classes are starting, rent is due and now it's time to make the all important decision:

March 31, 2003

The Great White Whale Continues to Elude Bush

By Jason Haaheim

To escape the high-decibel pounding of the war drums, I recently picked up one of my favorite classics, only to find a wealth of perspective on our current international climate and the men driving it.

March 31, 2003

Americans Are as Arrogant as the French

By Ladan Moeenziai

In its attempt to support its War Against Terrorism, the United States has fully launched its war against nonconformity, most notably against France - which has recently been sophomorically dubbed the "cheese-eating surr...

March 31, 2003

Students Feed Homeless; Dining Services Says, “No!”

By Ken Rogers Kurt Duggleby

In January, a group of students started a homeless service program that uses sack lunches as the main resource for serving the homeless. Recently Dining Services has responded to this act of altruism by bringing it to a ...

March 31, 2003

What Do You Mean When You Say, “Support the Troops?”

By Neil Wollman

I say, it all depends on what you mean. I want our troops out of harm's way. I support them in their right to choose the military. But I don't support them for what, at the president's orders, they are doing in Iraq.

March 31, 2003

Think

By system

March 7, 2003

Living Without Vowels: Pick Your Stereotype

By Steven Ruszczycky

Lovers of great literature stay away; there's a new book on the market geared toward the common people, the good people, the cut-your-lip-on-a-can-of-Natty-Ice people.