Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.

Dear Ye Olde Nexus,

“What light through yonder closet breaks?” quoth I Sunday morning last, upon my re-arrival at the dormitoria after the break of the Spring Festival. I was dismayed, opening the portal, to find sprites as countless and bright as the stars, spinning their wondrous and strange magicks upon the few belongings I had left behind.

Still further dismayed was I when the visiting sprites proved malicious, confiscating my ale stores then squeakily shouting, “Close the damned door, knave!”

Forsooth, I thought, I’d best remove myself from the path of these beastly little fiends. Though no bigger than a small pipe, they are dangerous as the bandits that roam these parts. The cookies mine mother so lovingly baked for me were their next target, and just as agilely they were snatched from my possession.

Finally, they began setting small fires in my bed whilst I slept, charring various toes and the very cheeks of my arse. This is too much for a humble student such as myself to deal with.

This catastrophe must needs be immediately remedied. The dormatorium master of San Miguel should send for the royal exterminators at once. Pixie-dust fumigation is the only way to banish the little bastards. Since Sunday, they have only become more inebriated and more vicious. These are mean drunkards, no simple village fools stumbling around. The damage will only increase if this madness is allowed to continue any longer.

I humbly request that the Most Excellent and Diverse Chancellor Henry VIII momentarily cease his marriages/divorces/beheadings to address this issue.