It is the female equivalent to limp dick. People refuse to discuss it. But being the disgustingly frank love kitten I am, I wanted the truth to be told. Can’t hold my cunt trumpet down.
Most people think queefing is gross and it really isn’t spoken of. Guys tend to confront “varting” by either denying it has ever happened to them or laughing it off hysterically with friends like a 12-year-old, to every girl’s horror.
But I’d like to set the record straight. If you are male and you are having sex with a girl by thrusting excessively in precarious positions, you are the cause of the queefing effect. Typical “poon farts” are actually created by two people (unless you are a gifted contestant on the “Howard Stern Show”).
I mean really, if you thrust air in any orifice for a long enough period of time, it is bound to make some sound waves. This happens to be a particularly frequent occurrence if you are doing it doggy style or with your legs behind your ears. This is mostly due to the fact that these positions amplify the expansion of the vaginal cavity, so while Big Boy Bob thrusts away, air is getting caught around the head of his penis.
The numero uno culprit of queefing while enjoying such positions is thick dick. It just opens the hole wider. Simple mathematics really: Bigger hole equals more air equals farting noise upon release of plug.
But when you think about it, what is there to really be embarrassed about when it comes to a nice, loud coochie fart? Men make all kinds of atrocious noises all the time. Upon hearing the female fart fiddle, men typically make the face they get when they smell fresh dog shit, maybe giggle a little and “move on.” But women are truly traumatized for the next month because it could mean they aren’t “lady-like” or it might mean they are “loose.”
Neither of the above is true. I tend to think a vaginal virtuoso is just another part of what makes women so great. We can make farting noises without the bed smell. No gas, just a straight Air Jordan. Every girl does it, whether you do your Kegel exercises or not.
When women queef, it is actually just another sign that the girl is really turned on. There needs to be more educated, queef-positive people in this world. Think of it like a nice resounding burp after a home-cooked meal. It’s just another way of saying “thank you.” And who doesn’t like appreciation?
The only way to prevent queefing is to tone down the thrusting. Who wants to do that? Obviously not Big Boy Bob – the same guy who will turn a flamingo hue the minute he hears what should be a seemingly familiar sound to the male ear.
I’ll admit, to the unseasoned man, the noise can be vile and put the nightcap on a good hookup. But Big Boy Bob and his Dixie Chicken just need to remember that queefing is indeed odorless, unpredictable and utterly spontaneous. A loud queef every now and then is also completely natural. The only thing unnatural is any resultant 12-year-old behavior from a so-called mature 20-something Bob.
There are few tactics that will help alleviate the post-queef embarrassment for fearful farters. One, you can just say “Excuse me” or “Mind the draft,” or two, you can laugh about it. I advise the latter, because unless you’ve got yoked Kegel muscles, it’s all bound to whoosh out again in the future.
I figure the sooner you can get over it and laugh, the sooner you can get back into the groove. And since women tolerate continual male farts that do stink, perpetual burping, smelly feet, dirty toenails, un-groomed ball hair and excess earwax on a regular basis, I figure the boys can deal with a little poonany “pffffffffffff”‘ every now and again.
Think of breaking vaginal wind as the crescendo in your coital cacophony. And we all know there’s nothing like going out with a bang. Whooosh!
Daily Nexus sex columnist Beth Van Dyke burps after every good meal, if you know what I mean.