Beth Van Dyke

June 5, 2003

The Long Hump Goodnight

By Beth Van Dyke

I've thought of everything and consequently nothing to write for my last column. I'm supposed to impress you. But then it occurred to me, I don't really have to impress you.

May 28, 2003

Men Dangle Between Rock Hard and a Soft Place

By Beth Van Dyke

I love being a woman because I love being in control. And we are (almost) always in control of all our sexual functions.

May 21, 2003

Fouling Out of Our Beds

By Beth Van Dyke

As a diehard Sacramento Kings fan, I'm tired of saying it's going to be this year, this is our year, and we're going all the way. No matter what, it always seems like we come up short.

May 14, 2003

Race to the Bathroom

By Beth Van Dyke

Sex is great. However there is this odd post-coital period that continually traumatizes me. It can be traumatizing in two ways: with a condom and without one.

May 7, 2003

My Dinner With a Dweeb

By Beth Van Dyke

Every girl has a lackey at least once in her life. When you first met him, you get the same epiphany that the guy who invented caller I.D. did. But then the bastard went ahead and blocked his number to private. Thus, it ...

April 30, 2003

My Gay Brother Is Better Than an Older Sister

By Beth Van Dyke

I've definitely made out with girls. I was about 13 when my older brother Scott related to me over a car wash that he called his boyfriend "Pookie" on occasion.

April 23, 2003

You Get One Phone Call

By Beth Van Dyke

It's Monday morning and you're running to Campbell Hall from Snidecor. You woke up an hour later than you planned, which means that you didn't have time to take a shower. The only makeup you're wearing is left over from ...

April 18, 2003

Not Quite Splitting Hairs

By Beth Van Dyke

I live with a gorilla. No, really. A hairy, loud, monkey-butt gorilla. He's my male genome project, my dirty sex maniac and my boy roommate. He's endearing, inebriated and completely incapable of cleaning anything.

April 9, 2003

Girls Just Want That Sweat, Sweat Love

By Beth Van Dyke

I love to watch men play sports. I'll watch any sport. Really, I'm not picky. The cute little uniforms, tight shorts, muscle flexing, field frustration and men, sweating it out for my viewing pleasure, while I sip on a G...

April 2, 2003

Pardon Me, but What Wind Through Yonder Orifice Breaks?

By Beth Van Dyke

It is the female equivalent to limp dick. People refuse to discuss it. But being the disgustingly frank love kitten I am, I wanted the truth to be told. Can't hold my cunt trumpet down.

March 5, 2003

Wow, I Sure Am Bare-Assed

By Beth Van Dyke

My roommate decided to go celebrate Mardi Gras this last weekend in New Orleans. Admittedly, my only real experience with the celebration is limited to "Girls Gone Wild" videos taped on Bourbon Street.

February 26, 2003

Face It, Nice Guys: Every Girl’s Crazy ’bout a Badass Man

By Beth Van Dyke

Cornfed is beyond hope, forever past the point of naughty. When girls think of turning him on, they think of teddies - not the lingerie, the bear.

February 19, 2003

Guys Go Nuts When Ladies Go Balls Out

By Beth Van Dyke

Testicles. Tea bag. Penis Pillow. The Juice Crew. Nuggets. Rocky Mountain Oysters. Fluid Friends. We girls can easily forget how much attention we should be paying to them, but believe me, the man never forgets.

February 12, 2003

Valentine’s Day: (analogous to) the only day of the year where being single makes you the most invisible social casualty.

By Beth Van Dyke

I was sitting outside the Arbor next to the Penis Registration guys, spying on a girl who had an admirable glare going at someone. I looked over to see who the recipient was, and I saw a young man

February 5, 2003

If You Really Love Them

By Beth Van Dyke

It was just a regular Saturday night. She got off work late and got the usual phone call from her friends partying in I.V. She decided to join them; she really needed a drink. The guy she liked had been a typical prick a...

January 29, 2003

What Women Really Want

By Beth Van Dyke

I've decided that women are crazy. I know this because I am crazy. Sometimes I think I should take myself out on a date because I'm the only one who would truly understand the capacity of my insanity.