Nice guys. You probably know one, maybe two. If you think you know more than that, you should probably re-evaluate your life. I know what I’m about to tell you will probably make you think I’m a heartless bitch. And maybe I am.

A Nice Guy is the kind of guy you’d regard as a saint. The kind of guy you’d want your daughter to marry. Usually, the Nice Guy is either already married or can’t figure out how to be an asshole to save his life.

Take for example, Kevin Cornfed. Mr. Cornfed is from Nebraska and is just your average Joe in the non-Joe Millionaire sense. He likes to twiddle his thumbs, goof off and in general have a good time. The death of him will be the fact that he thinks he’s bad with a capital B. He thinks he knows how to reel in the girls with his wild-boy charm. But really, all the women in his life are biting the bait and then taking off once they’ve been fed.

Last weekend was better than average for Cornfed. He calls up his friend and tells him about his hookup. It goes like this:

“So I had this girl. We were in the room alone. I knew she wanted it. So we’re hooking up; you know, kissing and stuff…”

“Were you groping?”

“Yeah, I guess a little groping. I dunno, it’s just once I get in the situation where I have to seal the deal I don’t know how to go about it.”

“OK, well tell me you did something.”

“So we’re hookin’ up and then she says, ‘You’re a Nice Guy, aren’t you?'”

“Shit. So what did you do?”

“I ate her out for the next hour.”

Cornfed is beyond hope, forever past the point of naughty. When girls think of turning him on, they think of teddies – not the lingerie, the bear. He’s cute, congenial and never going to get any until he meets Ms. Insecurity and they can build a destructive life together somewhere over the rainbow.

So why is it that we girls don’t like nice guys? We say all we want is someone who’s “sweet” or “nice.” If we really wanted that, then Nice Guys would be breeding like bunnies.

Women want men who are assholes. We want a dick in both senses of the word. We can’t stand Honey Bunches of Oats because they don’t present a challenge – we heartless bitches live for the challenge. We want to tame the untamable. We want a guy we’d never show Mommy until he’s properly trained.

It sucks, but it’s true. Nice Guys are cute until they talk. When we want them to say, “I just want to ravage you in this bathroom stall!” they say, “Do you need any toilet paper, honey?” When we want them to buy us Frederick’s of Hollywood porn gear, they bring us candy hearts and origami.

Their major downfall is that often once you establish a relationship with them they can suddenly become clingy and insecure. This is the “Pseudo-Nice Guy” syndrome.

These guys have no timing or assertiveness. Pseudo-Nice Guys often leave too much up to the girl because they think they are treating us like “equals.” Really, they are just afraid that if they make a bold decision and we see the real man behind Mr. Happy-go-lucky, we’ll dump him. Likewise, if the girl makes the wrong choice, these men get to blame her.

They also never explain anything when something bothers them. This is because they fear rain clouds on their sunny day. They can’t have conflict and usually give in to whatever is decided for them. Then they can use this “sacrifice” as a means of justifying their innocence in the relationship.

But we don’t want innocents and we don’t want sacrificial saints. We don’t want someone so insecure that he can’t hold his own when jealousy comes creeping up behind him. But not all Nice Guys are like this.

There are some Truly Nice Guys, who must be separated from Pseudo-Nice Guys. These Honeycombs are the ones who are going to look at you when you’re balling you’re eyes out, when you’ve got mascara running from your eyelids to your knees, and still think you’re the most amazing woman alive.

I only know one guy like this.

We’re good friends.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Beth Van Dyke thinks tattoos of dead bunnies are hot.