Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue.
I’m a freshman here at UCSB and live in the halls of residence. This place has been great so far, but all my friends like to go out on the week-end and get really drunk. All I want to do is sit in, watch T.V. and play board games. I really like my friends, but I don’t need booze and drugs to have a good time. Sitting alone every weekend is getting pretty boring. What should I do?
– Sober and Confused
Dear Sober and Confused,
My magic mirror tells me you are a dull, soul-less individual who spends more time complaining about your life than actually living it. You are also a communication major. The magic mirror shows you will develop a severe addiction to rubbing alcohol and Viagra by the time you turn 21. Your addiction will force you to drop out of schoole and resort to selling your sperm in order to make ends meet. You will also die in a bus crash just as you start to pull your life around. My advice: Your future is shit; start living it up now.
The other day, I walked in on my room-mate and my girlfriend having sex. I confronted them about it, and they both seemed really sorry. Even then, I couldn’t stand to be with her anymore, so we broke up. Now, she’s dating my roommate but she and I still have casual sex every once in a while. Is this wrong?
– Horny and Alone.
Dear Horny and Alone,
No, it’s not wrong; however, in nine months things will get a little sticky for you two. I’ve always thought, why pay for sex when you can get it for free? However, in two weeks time your ex-girlfriend will have a one-night stand with a man she meets in a bar. Afterwards, it will burn very badly every time she pees. My advice: Wet your wick as often as possible for the next week and a half. Then stop.
I am a lesbian and have come out to all my friends here at UCSB. Everyone seems pretty accepting, which has been great. I want to come out to my parents, but I’m afraid of how they will react. Do you have any suggestions?
– Loves Women at UCSB
Dear Loves Women at UCSB,
My magic mirror suggests that you ask your mother about a woman named Kelli from her college days. It seems your mother and Kelli formed a study group of two devoted to an in-depth analysis of female anatomy. Your father was in a frat and thinks lesbians are cool. You should have no problem.
I’m a graduating senior, but I don’t know what I want to do after I take that fateful walk in June. Do you have any suggestions? Also, when am I going to die?
P.S. I really like working with kids.
– A Workin’ Girl
Dear Workin’ Girl,
I see much nakedness in your future, however the details are cloudy. I suggest you become a stripper jester for children’s birth-day parties. The pay is good and you get to work with kids.
As for your death, all I can say is just stay away from condoms and men named Tony.
When will the world end?
I cannot say. Just make sure you tell your friends and family you love them before next Tuesday.
Got a question about the future? Unsure about that next big purchase? Think your lover is cheating on you? Ask Nostradamus! Make sure you include your name and contact information. Nostradamus reserves the right to edit questions for clarity and length.