Dave Franzese

May 25, 2005

Adios, Lord of the Flings

By Dave Franzese

Light up that cigarette, turn down the goddamned music, wipe the goop off your face and let your roommate back into the room; believe it or not, this is it. Time to say goodbye to the ol' hump for a few months.

May 18, 2005

Take on Tantric Touching

By Dave Franzese

Well kids, only two columns left. The last handful of weeks have gone by with an alarming acceleration, the sort of time travel that is only conceivable after spending weekend upon fucking weekend enjoying booze for brea...

May 11, 2005

The ‘Fisting’ Fiasco

By Dave Franzese

Mother's Day weekend got me all nostalgic. When I arrived home with my two hot roommates, dear old Lydia kicked it into high gear and began to do what mothers do best: embarrassing the shit out of their children.

May 4, 2005

Can I Stay Forever?

By Dave Franzese

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A dangerous pastime, I know. But as I stand abreast with the rest of the seniors, eye to eye with the most horrible monster the world has ever known, doing a lot of thinking is t...

April 27, 2005

Embrace That Dirty Fetish

By Dave Franzese

I have something very important to say: Pain makes me horny. Before you come to my house in order to slug me in the mug and check my Levis for an admirable erection, allow me to explain. In an odd coincidence, my sexual ...

April 20, 2005

Getting’ Wacky on Tabbacky

By Dave Franzese

As of this Monday, the neighbors who reside behind me have been set on striking flint, eager to set off the powder keg that is our shared parking lot. They now park with megalomaniacal abandon, erratically leaving Jettas...

April 13, 2005

You Can Do It Anywhere

By Dave Franzese

What does it take to get away from these student government crack-smokers? Somehow, despite wearing an outfit that consisted of sunglasses, beanie, iPod, lit cigarette and swiftly moving skateboard, I look approachable t...

April 6, 2005

Sexing Up Your Regimen

By Dave Franzese

Spring Quarter is shit-awesome. This platinum 10-week stretch of our lives that so breathtakingly straddles the line running between full-fledged academia and the reckless abandon of summer vacation surely is, despite th...

March 30, 2005

Hands-on Learning

By Dave Franzese

The reason we go to UCSB -- Spring Quarter -- is off and running. Reading while we tan, walking down the beach to get to school, blacking out in front of Sam's To Go and campus finally returning to the fashion runway tha...

March 2, 2005

Don’t Strip Down Just Yet

By Dave Franzese

When it's time to hit our hips together, some of us young and restless ones get really hot when you don't go all the way... nude, that is. I'm not talking about leaving your top on while you fuck in the bathroom.

February 23, 2005

The Songs of Seduction

By Dave Franzese

As I stood face-to-face with the sexiest accountant I had ever seen, we began to strip the clothes off of one another. It really is a beautiful thing when an English student and a number-cruncher hook up - I called her l...

February 16, 2005

The Pill Isn’t Your Ticket to Condom-Free Sex

By Dave Franzese

At the zoo, I found myself surrounded by the most disgusting, stinky, vile animals I had ever seen: ugly, little human babies. They made the gibbons look like Mr. Belvedere. And as I watched the tiny bastards hoot and po...

February 9, 2005

No Shame in Choking the Chicken

By Dave Franzese

I masturbate all the time. Constantly. Have you noticed how strange I look when I skate down DP in the morning? I'm masturbating.

February 2, 2005

Letting Go of the Liquor

By Dave Franzese

Here it is. The newest and hottest move for the bedroom that's sweeping across the nation faster than your dad sweeps up the vomit at Magic Mountain. That's right, I called your dad a janitor. From Rochester to Riverside...

January 26, 2005

The Linguistics of Love

By Dave Franzese

"Penis" is such a gross word. It sounds like it should be the name of some sort of sea creature, probably with tentacles: "The North Atlantic Penis feeds predominantly on small shellfish, and is often observed demonstrat...

January 19, 2005

Forget the Pillow Talk

By Dave Franzese

Another week is halfway behind us, and, if you drink on Thursdays the way I do, the weekend is just a few hours away! But before we wander out-of-doors, ready to pounce on those weekend plans -- whomever they may be -- l...