Adios, Lord of the Flings

May 25, 2005 by

Light up that cigarette, turn down the goddamned music, wipe the goop off your face and let your roommate back into the room; believe it or not, this is it. Time to say goodbye to the ol' hump for a f...
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Take on Tantric Touching

May 18, 2005 by

Well kids, only two columns left. The last handful of weeks have gone by with an alarming acceleration, the sort of time travel that is only conceivable after spending weekend upon fucking weekend enj...
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The ‘Fisting’ Fiasco

May 11, 2005 by

Mother's Day weekend got me all nostalgic. When I arrived home with my two hot roommates, dear old Lydia kicked it into high gear and began to do what mothers do best: embarrassing the shit out of the...
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Can I Stay Forever?

May 4, 2005 by

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A dangerous pastime, I know. But as I stand abreast with the rest of the seniors, eye to eye with the most horrible monster the world has ever known, doing a ...
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Embrace That Dirty Fetish

April 27, 2005 by

I have something very important to say: Pain makes me horny. Before you come to my house in order to slug me in the mug and check my Levis for an admirable erection, allow me to explain. In an odd coi...
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Getting’ Wacky on Tabbacky

April 20, 2005 by

As of this Monday, the neighbors who reside behind me have been set on striking flint, eager to set off the powder keg that is our shared parking lot. They now park with megalomaniacal abandon, errati...
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You Can Do It Anywhere

April 13, 2005 by

What does it take to get away from these student government crack-smokers? Somehow, despite wearing an outfit that consisted of sunglasses, beanie, iPod, lit cigarette and swiftly moving skateboard, I...
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Sexing Up Your Regimen

April 6, 2005 by

Spring Quarter is shit-awesome. This platinum 10-week stretch of our lives that so breathtakingly straddles the line running between full-fledged academia and the reckless abandon of summer vacation s...
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Hands-on Learning

March 30, 2005 by

The reason we go to UCSB -- Spring Quarter -- is off and running. Reading while we tan, walking down the beach to get to school, blacking out in front of Sam's To Go and campus finally returning to th...
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Don’t Strip Down Just Yet

March 2, 2005 by

When it's time to hit our hips together, some of us young and restless ones get really hot when you don't go all the way... nude, that is. I'm not talking about leaving your top on while you fuck in t...
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The Songs of Seduction

February 23, 2005 by

As I stood face-to-face with the sexiest accountant I had ever seen, we began to strip the clothes off of one another. It really is a beautiful thing when an English student and a number-cruncher hook...
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The Pill Isn’t Your Ticket to Condom-Free Sex

February 16, 2005 by

At the zoo, I found myself surrounded by the most disgusting, stinky, vile animals I had ever seen: ugly, little human babies. They made the gibbons look like Mr. Belvedere. And as I watched the tiny ...
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No Shame in Choking the Chicken

February 9, 2005 by

I masturbate all the time. Constantly. Have you noticed how strange I look when I skate down DP in the morning? I'm masturbating.
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Letting Go of the Liquor

February 2, 2005 by

Here it is. The newest and hottest move for the bedroom that's sweeping across the nation faster than your dad sweeps up the vomit at Magic Mountain. That's right, I called your dad a janitor. From Ro...
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The Linguistics of Love

January 26, 2005 by

"Penis" is such a gross word. It sounds like it should be the name of some sort of sea creature, probably with tentacles: "The North Atlantic Penis feeds predominantly on small shellfish, and is often...
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