Here it is. The newest and hottest move for the bedroom that’s sweeping across the nation faster than your dad sweeps up the vomit at Magic Mountain. That’s right, I called your dad a janitor. From Rochester to Riverside, from Connecticut to Cali, people are doing it like they’ve never done it before. Huge orgasms are ruining duvet covers, greater sensations are being felt and an overwhelming sense of pride and happiness is emanating from the pores of those courageous enough to give this pup a spin.
Are you horny enough? Are you the one with enough sexual know-how to eat the righteous medicine this well-endowed columnist is ready to feed you? Keep reading … oh god, don’t stop! Read faster! Sweating and screaming your way through the wildest night of between-the-sheets shenanigans you’ve ever imagined is two simple steps away:
1. Don’t drink any alcohol.
That’s right, I’m talking about having sex while you’re sober for once. Now, I know you’re used to me penning the most pant-wetting jokes you’ve ever read each week, but on this Wednesday, I’m serious. Serious like the shits after eating at Panda Express. You can’t hook up with somebody if you don’t meet them, you can’t meet them unless you go out and, for the majority of us, you can’t go out unless you get fucked up. And that, my friends, is the root of the problem.
Hooking up wasted is commonplace, but, frankly, it’s pretty damn nasty. Give me three or four Tom Collinses, and I’ll start to kiss girls like I’m on an episode of “elimiDATE.” Taste what they ate for dinner, you know what I’m saying? And while booze helps to socially lubricate even the most timid pair of genitals, alcohol also wreaks havoc on the nerve endings of your shamefuls. We all know the feeling – the more you drink, the more you want to fuck, but the more you drink, the harder and harder it gets to come. This effect of alcohol in the bedroom has been identified in the Harvard School of Medicine’s journal as “beer balls” and “whiskey dick” in males, and “I ordered a dry martini, but this is ridiculous” in females.
And apart from the internal dilemmas that booze brings to the wiener and cooter, sex while sauced remains shitty for even more reasons. We all know that booze affects our motor skills, so if I can hardly dial Woodstock’s number at three in the morning, who am I trying to fool when I think that my hips will remain as sensually rhythmic as ever? If you’re going to argue that you’ve mastered the act of humping while hammered, that’s disgusting, so save it. Go clean the senior house.
The booze craps on your thinking, too. Whether it’s beer goggles, waking up next to your professor with the wrinkly balls or sleeping with your roommate’s kid sister, 70 percent of students admit to having sex they normally wouldn’t have had if they had been sober. Booze in the bedroom is not only complicated, it’s just not safe. At least one out of five students abandon safe sex practices when they’re drunk, even if they do protect themselves while sober. It’s a neat little number, maybe something that doesn’t chap your hide too hard, but when you consider the fact that 80 percent of people over 20 have a form of herpes, it should make you think twice about going in without protection. Did you see all those numbers in the last paragraph? Wasn’t that incredible? All those zeroes look like little nipples – this paragraph is so hot right now.
So grab that Gatorade and try to snake some carbs, put down the Pabst and pour me an iced tea. Tonight, baby, tonight we’re gonna make love… and it’s gonna be better than ever.
The 100 monkeys who write this column would like to thank the Sex and Relationship Interns for helping us with the numbers. Keep your eyes peeled and your prophylactics on hand, because Sexual Responsibility Week starts on Monday. There’s going to be killer events, opportunities to get tested and learn more about your sexuality (I haven’t taught you enough? What about the golden shower column?) and a lot more good clean fun. Watch out for the red flyers around campus – it’s gonna be bananas. That was a monkey joke.
Dave Franzese is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.