What does it take to get away from these student government crack-smokers?

Somehow, despite wearing an outfit that consisted of sunglasses, beanie, iPod, lit cigarette and swiftly moving skateboard, I look approachable to these red and green attention-cravers. Today, one of them not only jumped in front of me to hand over a color-coordinated piece of flier trash as I skated through the arbor, he even had the audacity to be wearing pukka shells.

There’s nowhere to hide, because if it’s not the people, it’s the signs. Oh hey, look at that, Johnny Depp is on this sign, and it says “Vagina!” Oh my god! Now I can’t even walk to class – I’m just gonna stand here and laugh at this hilarious sign. I’m peeing my pants.

Well kids, in the student government’s spirit of extremely violating personal space, I say if you can’t beat ’em, fuck in front of ’em. The sun’s out and your fanny could use a little bronzing, so why wait till you get home from school to get into some serious dick-dipping? Campus is stacked with sneaky places where co-eds can get away from class and do the hibbity dibbity.

Scared to fuck on campus? The fear of getting caught is what public acts of penetration are all about. As with anything that rattles your nerves, your body is going to pump out adrenaline, the chemical in your guts that causes your heart to race and pants to drip. Sex is exciting, but doing it where and when you’re not “supposed to” is even more exciting. It’s a small taste of porn-stardom, strutting your stuff in front of others, and as much as some of us would try to deny it, getting laid in public is hot. We all desire it.

Storke Tower: Mmmm, what could be more enticing than leaving a wet spot on top of the tallest phallus in Santa Barbara County? The views are spectacular if you get up there around sunset, there’s plenty of room to try out all sorts of new positions and if you time the nookie just right, you can cum whilst the bells make the ding-dong. It’s glorious! The best part of it is that to get up there, you have to be fucking somebody who works at the Nexus or a janitor. Maybe Superman.

Davidson Library: The library has gotta be good for something other than slipping into a mildly autistic fourth-floor trance, right? If you wanna melt the book bindings, the seventh floor has been a favorite haunt for horny bookworms since you were in diapers. They’ve got these soundproof rooms behind the elevators, apparently created for graduate students, that are perfect for some mid-day pussy-mayhem. But why play it safe? For more excitement, try moving down a floor after each time you do it, because it takes true grit to fuck anywhere below the fourth. Can it be done? We should find out.

The Arts Building: The little gem is packing a pair of sneaky little balconies facing the east side of campus that were tailor made for adventurous couples. Just one little hop over one little rail and there you are, a secluded-yet-public spot to do your best Pollack impression with bodily fluids. Campus legend, as well as Nexus legend Drew Mackie, suggests the men’s bathrooms of this artsy-fartsy building were once used as ceramic cubicles of spank and debauchery. While I have never witnessed a commode-inspired orgy during my tenure, the writing on the stalls suggests that not only do they still exist, but that they are thriving.

Campus Point: Ah, for the more nature inclined pair of public pubic pushers. Feel that salty sea air whisper on your perineum and gawk at life at its most decadent. The moon, the stars, the Manzanita kids sneaking out to smoke dope – this place has it all. Bring a blanket and head out there at night if you’re a romantic, or turn your partner out on top of that strange helipad-type thingy if you just want to do it somewhere strange.

Four ideas meant to get the ball rolling. These are just the places I’m familiar with, and while I’m sure that the science and math end of campus have some hot spots, I really doubt that there are any hot people worth hooking up with. But you, you’re hot, so why wait till you get home? Shit, why even wait till class is over? Get up off of that heinie, walk out of lecture and meet me in the bathroom.

Oh, and for you? Uh… you can watch.

With all of the politicians out invading personal spaces of class-goers, Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese has been doing his dick dipping in the vacant A.S. building.