As I stood face-to-face with the sexiest accountant I had ever seen, we began to strip the clothes off of one another. It really is a beautiful thing when an English student and a number-cruncher hook up – I called her loquacious, she filed my W-2’s without using her hands, you follow me? And just as the socks came off, just as we were about to deal with the per capita of my gross domestic parabolas, her CD changer spins its way into disc two…
“Ooh baby, baby it’s a wild woorrrld!”
Cat Stevens – my Nasdick goes way down.
While hippies are disgusting, their music, especially the whiny acoustic stuff, is unforgivable. So I complain about the tunes, and she says that they’re just study CDs and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I do my best to make it through. We fondle, we kiss, she gets wet, I get hard and the CD changes once again…
“I’d like to cut your head off, so I could weigh it, what do ya say? Five pounds, six, pounds, seven pounds…”
I nearly black out and throw up a little all at the same time. It’s Phish, the hippiest pile of granola, Hacky Sack, Frisbee jam band to ever start a career 40 years too late. And there we were: two hot young lovers caressing and kissing, and moaning and knocking the slats out from under the bed, and just like that, poof, the moment was gone.
When it comes time to come with the one you love, what you have in your stereo is just as important as what you have in your jeans. The steamiest moments of your life can get the heat sucked out of them if the wrong song hits the speakers. Or, if you’re like me and know your shit, even the dullest hookup can get spicier than a Deli Mart gyro if you’ve got the right tunes cued up.
Sex is all about rhythm. They say you can tell how a person fucks by watching them dance, and my god, they’re right. Whether you’re sucking a dick, licking a clit, doing it doggy style or riding your beau, constant and steady gyrations are what separate the blue-chip, bed-rockers from everyday, forgettable fuckers. A nice little tune should help Stella get her groove back, and if it’s one that you already know, who knows? Maybe you sing along while you’re doing it too. “I’ve got sunshiiine…”
There are so many different ways to use music when you’re getting the job done. One of the best is to buy a new CD, but instead of listening to it right away, wait until you’re hooking up to soak in the jams for the first time. For the rest of the year, maybe even your life, that album is going to bring you back to that spectacular night. Do it over and over again to a particular track and you’ll find yourself popping a Pavlovian boner every time you hear it. And you thought your favorite song was cool already? When I started having sex to “Night on Earth” by the Bouncing Souls, it went from the best song I ever heard to, well, the best song I ever heard that reminds me of having sex with girls – which makes it even better.
Of course, as lovers, we always run the risk of attaching a certain face or coochie to a song, only later to have that same face/coochie break our hearts. It happens a lot, mostly with your “first love” from high school who got you to hook up with them in the back of their Mustang listening to Elton John’s “Your Song” or some Ben Harper. But that’s all right – the sting tells you it’s working, and nobody in their right mind should be listening to that shit in their 20s anyhow.
Don’t be afraid to experiment with your choices either. Often times, the crazier the song that you rail to is, the more memorable that partner will remain. One of my roommates once hooked up with a foreign exchange student while Bill Wither’s “Ain’t No Sunshine” played on repeat. I, for one, will never forget the time a girl brought me back to her house and proceeded to ravage me while “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Closer,” you know, the “I wanna fuck you like an animal” song – blasted in the background. It’s not even sexy music, but sweet fancy Moses, you play those songs around me and I’ll be on my cell phone begging for sex. That’s what men do.
You can also use music to cover up the very natural, yet somewhat off-putting sounds of collegiate coitus. Does he have your legs behind your ears while you worry you might “Pbffft” while he does the deed? I’m saying turn it up and he’ll never know the difference. Are you one of those annoying hipster kids with a Le Tigre messenger bag and weeps during orgasm? Playing the jams will cover that shit right up – just don’t subject your partner to that new wave dance-punk garbage.
Whether you’re bumping some Elton to keep your hookup on the secrecy tip, or you just found out that you fucked a high school student in town for the night and you threw on some R. Kelly because you think you’re funny, exploring the different combinations of music and nookie should help pass the time during this shitty weather. Just get ready for when that girl brings you home and starts singing “I want to fuck you like an animal.”
Oh baby, baby it’s a wild world.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese once had a terribly unfortunate sexual encounter with a cute blonde and “Mmmbop.”