Spring Quarter is shit-awesome.
This platinum 10-week stretch of our lives that so breathtakingly straddles the line running between full-fledged academia and the reckless abandon of summer vacation surely is, despite the awesomely misguided Christmas carol, the most wonderful time of the year… almost.
You see, Spring Quarter serves as a sunny reminder that no matter how shit-awesome something may seem, there is always room for improvement. While going to school in your swimsuit is a blast, it would be a lot better if you were headed to the beach or off to the golf course to swing the wrenches. Fucking is the same deal, and as much as you’ve been enjoying all of the coming and sheet squeezing that’s gone down this year, just between you and me and the entire campus, you could be doing even better.
When it comes to kicking up the libido, there are plenty of easy, natural ways to not only keep your unmentionables running in peak condition during the greatest quarter on earth but assure years of healthy fucking in the fucking years still to come. Who knows? You might have even been doing a few of these tricks already for completely different reasons. Wanna improve your sex drive and performance? Yeah, you do! The proof is in the pudding, or I guess in our case, the evidence is in the ejaculate.
Eat right. Believe it or not, your mom wasn’t kidding when she said to eat your fruits and veggies. Not that she was concerned with maintaining the vigor of your genitals or revving up your sex drive, but she was right. A diet filled with fruits and vegetables contains super sexy antioxidants and vitamins like B-5 that help men and women reach climax and improve stamina, both of which are essential for lovemaking, duh! If you need help reminding yourself that you’re eating all of that produce for the sake of your balls, eat fruits and veggies that look sexy: bananas, peaches, avocados and vaginas.
Don’t eat wrong. Fatty and fried foods are not only detrimental to your bod, they impair your sexual function as well. Excessive amounts of sugar, saturated fat and highly processed foods have all been clinically linked to difficulty reaching orgasm and maintaining an erection and a decreased interest in boner polishing. If you’ve seen “Super Size Me,” you know what I’m talking about; too many cheeseburgers and you’ll forget all about the good kind of beef patties.
Indulge. Absolutely anything that improves your self-esteem will improve your libido. Taking the time to relax, having a friend massage your back, maxing out the bank account on some new duds — whatever you can do to make yourself feel a bit more sexy will yield wall-shaking results in the bedroom. Indulge your taste buds too; chocolate contains a variety of amino acids that raise endorphins, the body’s natural antidepressants. A few bits of the rich, dark stuff can lift your libido, offering a delicious foreplay to foreplay, or “eightplay” if you enjoy the worst jokes on earth the same way I do.
Exercise. Keeping fit, just like eating asparagus or tomatoes, is guaranteed to get your crotch blood moving at, like, two million miles an hour. It too will boost your stamina as well as make you feel really, really good-looking.
These are simple ideas, eating right and exercising every now and then, but somehow they are frequently overlooked by us kids in our 20s. I mean, even my most health-conscious friend — the one who teaches at Gold’s downtown — manages to live off Woodstock’s, Jack Daniel’s and Black & Milds alone. The knowledge that all of these foods and habits lead to a more satisfying sex life raises the question: If I thought I was having great sex now, imagine the shit-awesome boots I’ll be knocking now that I ate all of those quinces!
So peel me a grape, eat that banana because it looks like and revitalizes your penis, take that cigarette out of my mouth and feed me a strawberry. There’s always room for improvement.
Dave Franzese is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.