As of this Monday, the neighbors who reside behind me have been set on striking flint, eager to set off the powder keg that is our shared parking lot. They now park with megalomaniacal abandon, erratically leaving Jettas and giant Tacomas strewn about at the most awkward, surreal angles and blocking the cut-through to Sabado Tarde with the bloodthirsty panache of Ray Lewis. It is forcing me and the rest of my anti-pedestrian ilk to back out of our own DP driveway, daring us to scoot our asses in reverse and forcibly removing any chances I have of making it through the automotive year without a single kill.

It is unnatural and dangerous to back out into Del Playa — “in the out door” as the golden-voiced Robert Plant once put it. But the whole situation, the pain of moving in reverse, the constant fear of mess as I ramble backward toward an unknown fate — will I be blindsided by a Marborg semi, or struck by an idiot who rides a longboard without shoes? — has led me to the most obvious and funky of connections: My parking lot battle is a lot like ass fucking.

That’s right, on the day that everyone thought that I would delve into the celestial joys of smoking a blunt and making nice with the poonanny, instead I chose to spring my butt sex column. That’s just how I roll, on the real; when they think “zig,” I zag. However, as it is the national holiday of pot-tart connoisseurs and Peter Tosh listeners, I will appease my fans with several mentions to dope and the funitude of being stoned. But first, a smidge of info…

Anal intercourse exists as one of the few remaining sexual taboos, very much like bukkake, its frontally expulsive brethren. In fact, in the Baldwins’ 2002 survey, only 20 percent of UCSB students had engaged in anal sex, a miniscule number when compared to surveys conducted in churches, battleships and in the line waiting for “Episode III.” Since 2002, 6.3 million new marijuana users started smoking.

So I can only assume that you are one of those 6 million, and as you read this column, you are high, and being high, you are very, very thirsty and very, very relaxed. Being relaxed is one half of the key to doing the dirtiest of dirties. It’s a mathematical reality; from the same survey of UCSB students, gay males were far more likely to engage in sex while using drugs than their heterosexual peers. As a sex columnist, I can tell you that they weren’t doped up because Barbra Streisand sounds tight on acid, it’s because doing the buns can get pretty uncomfortable. That’s where the second key to unlocking door number three comes in: lubrication.

If you choose to go with the back, you absolutely must make sure that you’ve got the jelly in hand. Friction is good, but butt friction being anything but deplorable is fiction. The one and only time I engaged in anal intercourse, I used 420 drops of baby oil; smooth. Seriously Cheech, if you are going to tackle Chong in the backfield, you should care about him: Make sure you keep yourself slippery and let your partner control the pace of the penetration. I mean, if a girl is going to let you go there, she obviously cares for you; you should reciprocate that nurturing sentiment by making sure it’s a smooth flight over the Black Sea.

Of course, despite the exorbitant amounts of delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol in your bloodstream, I should not even have to mention to you that a condom is more necessary than allowing a joint to cool in the freezer for two Wilco songs before smoking. Your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease skyrocket whenever you engage that big fat fanny. The chances of suffering a heart attack are quadrupled during the hour that follows smoking marijuana.

Looking back, I realize that I talked about parking, butts, lube, drugs and referred to ass sex as “flying over the Black Sea.” I have also invented the word “funitude,” which is good, and dropped a mention to Peter Tosh, whose Boblike flow is severely underrated. What I have failed to mention, however, is how abso-fucking-lutely delicious McDonald’s breakfast is. Did you get it today? I bought 42 McMuffins and I’m gonna be slingin’ them outta my papoose till they run out.

P.S.: Did you try those penguins this week? Wow.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese recommends staying away from your partners’ poop chute should you get a case of the munchies.