The reason we go to UCSB — Spring Quarter — is off and running. Reading while we tan, walking down the beach to get to school, blacking out in front of Sam’s To Go and campus finally returning to the fashion runway that it was always meant to be means that we’re face to face with the 10 greatest weeks of the school year. It’s been moving swiftly — blink twice and it’s April — so we’ve all got to make the most of these precious weeks. So until the flux capacitor becomes a reality and we can all go back and relive our glory days, the two keys to making the most of Spring Quarter are as follows:
1. Incredible fucking.
2. Guacamole/mango salsa.
The southwestern condiments, while essential to an enjoyable springtime, can be easily procured from several local eateries as well as your mom’s house. It’s the incredible fucking — the kind of sex that makes people want to drive all the way to your mom’s house — that’s a bit harder to come by.
Man is a tactile animal. We set ourselves apart from the primordial oozes because we grew thumbs and fingers and shit. And do you know why we grew thumbs and fingers and shit? So we could caress that booby, pull that hair, spank your tuckus and stroke my wang. We have hands, but are we using them as much as we should be?
When the middle school kids first start to hook up, they’re all about the hands. Fingering somebody, the hand job, copping a feel — our first forays into the sexual world revolve exclusively around our digits and sticking them places that they’ve never been before. The baseball system that we all so religiously adhered to during our younger years was all about touching: I touch you, you touch me, pray to god I get to third before I can legally drive. Eventually, we replace the fingers with pie-holes and genitals, leaving our poor little meat-mittens to take notes during class, be crummy at Halo, fill out W-2s and various forms of incredibly boring shits. All good lovers know that sex isn’t just penis-vagina — it’s about the entire body and if you haven’t been using the digits to make good every time you make love, I’m here to lend a helping hand.
Your hands, and this might be surprising for most of you, are one of the most emotive parts of your body. When we make love, our claws send messages to our lover just as strong as any raunchy moan or pelvic contraction. For those of you who aren’t comfortable enough to offer a set of communicative orders to your hookup, saying things like “I want you to do me like this,” or “I like when you suck my dick from that angle,” the hand is your best bet when it comes to guiding the schmucks that you’re grinding.
When your lover is going down on you and finally gets a righteous case of the miracle mouth, let ’em know, not only with your squeals, but with your feels as well. Whenever we’re giving head to you and you’re finally getting close, not only does a passionate hand on the back of the head assure us that we are in the right spot, but it triggers something wild and animalistic; it turns us on to see our naked buddy not only asking for more, but clawing for it too. When a man is on top and the girl holds her arms above her head, bracing herself with her hands, it’s yet another incredibly hot and communicative way of using those digits. Even if you aren’t off being fucked through the wall of your bedroom and down the street, a little acting never hurt anybody; life is a stage, right?
Touch, touch, touch — not only the body of the person you’re in bed with, but yourself too. When you’re getting down to the nitty gritty, don’t be scared to give yourself some attention too, it’s hot. A hand on the clit during coitus, the gentlemanly reach-around, hands on the ass when the laying is legendary — if you know how to use your trappers and feelers, give yourself a hand!
Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of quarter.
Dave Franzese is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.