I masturbate all the time. Constantly. Have you noticed how strange I look when I skate down DP in the morning? I’m masturbating. Notice how I sweat when I order food at Chili’s? I’m masturbating. While I watch “The Golden Girls”? Wait! That’s too much, even for me.
From what I hear, masturbating was invented by astronauts. During the early Apollo missions, these men in rocket ships found that, upon re-entering the earth’s atmosphere, the swift pressure change caused their testicles to painfully explode. Looking to alleviate the stress that their descent into our earthly orbit wrought on their danglies, the astronauts discovered that if they touched their junk enough, they would come, clear some space down below and land quite comfortably somewhere in Florida.
But seriously, masturbating isn’t just for rocket men anymore; self-love has found a home in the tightly-clenched fists and stiff little fingers of boys and girls the world over. And despite my years of Catholic schooling, I am here to tell all of you that touching yourself ain’t self-abuse – it’s the exact opposite. Remember all the health benefits that come with coming? The natural high, the painkillers, the stress relievers? I say give yourself a few orgasms before your next big test or paper, and you’ll have a sterling performance. Next time somebody tries to hook you up with some Adderall, tell them you’ve found something even better and hand them a box of Kleenex.
I once had a girlfriend who said that she wouldn’t masturbate because she thought that touching herself like that was “disgusting.” I tried to explain to her that if she wasn’t comfortable touching herself, why on earth should she feel comfortable with someone else touching her? Her response was something like, “Because you’re a fucking god, Franzese!” But seriously, she’s not alone out there. While men will go at it due to the fact that they have some conditioner left over in the shower, many women will say they simply aren’t into it.
I know you girls are touching yourselves, and I know that most of you think that you need to keep that under wraps. Well, listen up, because I speak for all men on planet Earth when I say this: For a guy, there is nothing hotter than a girl who masturbates. You’ve got a little friend you keep under the bed that you named after Ryan Cabrera? Even hotter. We want girls who are sexually expressive, but you know guys – when we want something, we want it all for ourselves. Because of this, we’d much rather drool over a girl who is getting herself wet and waiting for our lame asses than one drinking half a bottle of Hot Damn and hooking up with a mechanical engineer. Yuck!
And while we’re at it, the stigma that a girl – or guy, for that matter – who masturbates does so because they can’t get laid is older than a dinosaur and should be just as extinct. In fact, the exact opposite is true: The more you do hook up, the more you should be reminding your goods that nobody can get them going quite like you can.
Masturbating isn’t just the key to making yourself happy; it’s the key to helping other people get you all riled up too. Communicating what feels best to you clearly, but gently, when you’re stuck with a little lost lover is the way to go, and when it comes to making sure you get what gets you the hottest, you’ve got two options: Lie through countless nights of hookups waiting for the right person to make you come, or turn the music up to 11, lock the door, Tivo “Iron Chef” and not leave your room until you’re asking yourself for a cigarette.
At the very least, check out www.masturbateforpeace.com if you need a reason to love yourself so madly. You can join billions of people across the globe who are touching themselves in the name of world peace. You can also pick up some novelty bumper stickers while you’re there and adorn your car with “I’m going blind for mankind” or “Touch your sac. Not Iraq.” If you don’t masturbate tonight, you’re a terrorist!
Touching yourself is a lot like playing the piano: The boys are in the shower banging out “Benny and the Jets” while the girls are wrapped up in velvet sheets delicately tapping out “She’s a Rainbow.” But no matter what song you’re playing, tickle those ivories! Your body is banging – why let everybody else have all the fun with it?
Daily Nexus sex columnist Dave Franzese celebrates a healthy round of masturbation by rubbing another one out.