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My column, having achieved perfection, does not need any editing

April 1, 2002 by Crystal McSwanson

Note to editors: You don't have to edit this story. Please run it tomorrow and call me if you change anything.
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Global warming is heart warming

April 1, 2002 by Susy Bucket

During my five years at UCSB I've heard nothing but "global warming is bad," "help stop global warming," "blah blah blah, global warming."
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Why must UC see up my anal cavity?

April 1, 2002 by Phil Leak

I understand that security is a big issue since the Sept. 11 attacks, but did UCSB really have to install cameras in all the bathrooms around campus?
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This school would be great sans you

April 1, 2002 by Mike Schwanzen

I've got two more years at UCSB and I want to make them the best ever - you can help! All you have to do is transfer.
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Resisting Blind Patriotism

March 8, 2002 by Nico Pitney

The repercussion I fear most is a radical crystallization of blind and belligerent national pride - the kind that mucks up even the most reliable channels of information, and impedes progress in all f...
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(No Ducks Were Actually Harmed)

March 8, 2002 by Staff

The ducks seem more nervous in I.V. These ducks seem to sense a preditorial threat.
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Don’t Let Fliers Mislead You About the I.V. Master Plan

March 8, 2002 by Bryan D. Brown

Recently, a misleading flyer and petition have been distributed throughout Isla Vista regarding the Isla Vista Project Area Committee. As the Graduate Student Association representative of the IV-PAC,...
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What UCSB Really Needs Is a Flying, Administrator-Eating Great White Shark Named ‘Peaches’

March 8, 2002 by Eric Simons

Chancellor Henry Yang was walking from his office in Cheadle Hall to the University Center today when, in a move that experts said could damage his close relationship with students, he was eaten.
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Sleep Shouldn’t Be a Crime

March 7, 2002 by Peter Marin

On behalf of the Committee for Social Justice, I want to address the issue of the proposed ordinance on sleeping and camping to be considered by the District Board.
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Liquid Death From the Heavens

March 7, 2002 by Staff

It rained today, confusing many, and wetting everyone. Rain is mothernature's assassin.
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No Phone, No Pool, No Pets, Ain’t Got No Cigarettes

March 7, 2002 by Brendan Buhler

Activists for Isla Vista's homeless community can't always get what they want. But if they try sometimes, they might just find they get the last thing they want.
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Red Tape: Pricey Adventures in College Rentals

March 6, 2002 by Josh Braun

I slept on the couch at a friend's apartment in San Jose. The major difference is simple: the price. Three girls live here for around $430 a month per person. My three-bedroom apartment holds 6 people...
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Reunited

March 6, 2002 by Staff

Nothing like the occasional encounter with an old Res Hall neighbor to make one feel old and insensitive. People who were your best friends.
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The PC Path to Better Sex, Bigger Orgasms

March 6, 2002 by Sarah Kent

"Exercise" is not usually a word that is part of my vocabulary. The big "E" - not the drug - seems almost to be an obsession in our tiny community of beautiful people.
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