Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

For the past three years, I’ve had to sit through A.S. Leg Council, covering their inane chatter and bickering for the Isla Vista News-Suppress. The vacuum created by the gross amount of incompetence sucks all the existing information and thinking abilities out of my head and explodes them like one of Gallagher’s trademark watermelons. It pains my body to do it, but I feel I must contradict all common sense and endorse their measure to allow alcohol during the weekly A.S. meetings.

The measure, if passed, will allow Leggies to bring, serve and drink alcohol during all Leg Councils. Leggies put the measure on the ballot because sobering up for their weekly gatherings has become too difficult for them to do.

The introduction of booze can’t do any harm. I doubt that their jabbering would become any more incoherent. Like their greek counterparts, Leggies spend the majority of their college careers staring at the bottom of an empty bottle or into the toilet, so it’s not as if any extra booze will cause any detrimental effects.

By some stroke of luck, the extra toxins in their system might even improve their ability to think and communicate. If the gods are smiling, they could even end up in bed with someone for an evening of drunken Leggie sex. A good schnoging does wonders for cognitive abilities, which maybe one of the reason why Leg Council has been so impotent this year.

The alcohol will definitely benefit those sitting in on the meetings more than the Leggies themselves. Liquid refreshment would increase the tolerance of anyone in attendance, and if advertised correctly, A.S. might see an increase in participation by the student body. With enough booze in their system, students would most likely feel to lazy to leave and contribute something to A.S. besides their money.

The only problem I can see with this system is that the Leggies will follow in their usual half-assed tradition and skimp on the good drinks, going straight for kegs of Natty Ice and jugs of Popov. I propose that an amendment be made to the measure: All alcohol for Leg Council meetings shall be approved by the News-Suppress staff. This way, we can insure that the alcohol is at least drinkable. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to continue bringing my hip flask and spiking the stale soda they serve.

I beg and plead of you, please vote yes on this measure. If not for your sake, or the sake of the Leggies, then at least for those hardworking bastards who have to sit through that hell every week.

-Theodore Ruxbin