Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

I’ve got two more years at UCSB and I want to make them the best ever – you can help! All you have to do is transfer. It’s easy!

I’m rather fond of UC Santa Barbara, but the biggest pitfall, by far, is the student body. I was promised a sophisticated, intelligent and enlightening college experience by my high school guidance counselor. “It’s not like high school,” he said. “You’ll find lots of people with similar interests and make friendships that will last for life.” That’s exactly what I haven’t found at UCSB. It’s just like high school!

Now, some might say my lack of friends could be because I’m not the most social guy. Some might call me a hermit, but I assure you, it’s not my fault, it’s yours. I would come out of my San Raf single a lot more if all of you idiots weren’t allowed to just meander around all day. That’s why, for my sake and the sake of the school, I propose that you all transfer. You’re making the school look bad! This is a serious research institution with several Nobel laureates, for God’s sake, act like it! Besides, you can drink and fuck just as well at UC Merced and UC Davis as you can here. Improve UCSB: Go away!

Mike Schwanzen

Environmental Studies