Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

Dude, brahs, sup?

Okay, we gotta talk about the major issues that affect us, the brothers and sisters of the greek system. I mean, everyone thinks we’re all about partying and shit. That just isn’t where it’s at, though, man. The only guys at UCSB with the sacks to really party are me and my Pi Iota Kappa brothers.

Like this one time, we threw this real rager and all these chicks were up in that. There were so many fly honies that we almost didn’t even know what to do with them. Almost, dude. My roomie and main man J-Dog got this one Delta hottie back to the room got her going down on the meat. She was totally drunk and shit, but she was giving head like only a triple D can. J-Dog was totally diggin’ it, and then check this, she barfs. She way spewed all over my man’s nuts! Un-f***ing believable. Woulda freaked me out, but J-Dog’s a player and held her head down in there and she kept going. Man, his balls smelled like puke for at least a week.

Not that I’d know. I’m not some queer-ass, ball-sniffing homo or anything. I just heard is all.

Anyway, there’re tons of issues facing the greek community.

For starters, we gotta get a street-sweeping program in this town. I had to put three new tires on my Explorer last quarter and that shit’s expensive. My dad’s been bitching me out about that – like it’s my fault they don’t clean the streets in I.V.! If the government really gave a damn about how this town looked, they’d get some one to pick up the glass under my window. They wouldn’t even have to put the guy on salary or nothing. All they have to do is get some homeless dudes to do it and pay ’em on the side. They’d better not ask us to chip in though, it’s not our motherf***ing job to keep the streets clean.

Besides, fraternity brothers have financial issues of their own. Take the rising cost of ecstasy for instance. This is a serious monetary issue facing our community. Prices have risen 25 percent in the last six months alone! This is a direct threat to our lifestyles, brothers.

Let me tell you about my man Pete. Pete’s got a wicked pair of dirt bikes that he can just tear down our block at way over 50 mph – and that’s from dead stop. Those bikes are, like, Pete’s life. He never takes ’em out in the mud or nothing, doesn’t want to scratch them, he just tears up the street for us in the morning. But with X getting richer, Petie’s just about at the end of his chain. Sure, this month he can hit up the folks for some book money, but if this keeps up, someday, the P-man with the Pickle might have to choose between pootang and keeping those sweet-ass bikes running.

It’s that serious.

Brothers, it gets worse. We’ve got a major image problem. Our charity work goes totally and completely unappreciated. Sure, we donate our blood. Sure, we spend hundreds of dollars to rent inflatable boxing rings and invite a couple of poor kids over to play with the Deltas and us. Sure, we toss our cans on the sidewalk for the dumpster divers. Does anyone remember that? No. They just think of us as party dudes and call our houses “frats.”


We’ve got to pull together. So brothers, I invite you all to a meeting of the greek community this Friday at our house. I promise you we will address our issues in a meaningful way. And just so it won’t be totally lame, we’ve got five kegs of natty. Bring some chicks who know how to have a good time though, or you ain’t getting in.

Deke Love is the treasurer for Pi Iota Kappa and a junior political science major.