Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

During my five years at UCSB I’ve heard nothing but “global warming is bad,” “help stop global warming,” “blah blah blah, global warming.” Well, I’ve had enough! If our president, with the help of highly informed advisers, concludes that global warming is not a timely issue, who are we to disagree?

I operate on one principle: Cold is bad and warm is good. All of this “Global warming will bring extinction to life on earth” stuff directly conflicts with my motto and I therefore have vowed, in my senior year, to make it my mission to inform the students of UCSB of the numerous advantages of global warming.

Global warming will decrease pain and suffering in millions of people around the world. Arthritis pain worsens in cold weather, if the world temperature were to increase by a few degrees, this would ease their suffering. Also, plants grow better in warm weather. That’s why California is an ag state. Global warming has also contributed to an increase in annual worldwide precipitation, another important factor in plant development. So global warming will help us feed the world’s rapidly expanding population.

Also, warm weather makes people happier. The majority of cases of depression and suicide occur in places with persistent cold weather. Who are we, living in sunny Santa Barbara, to deny people in Wisconsin the benefits of living in a warmer climate? It’s not like we’re going to fry in our skin – after all, it’s only a few degrees!

Susy Bucket