Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

Hey everybody.

God here. Thought I’d use my mystical power of divine intervention on this, the day following the passion of my humanish kid, Jesus.

Some of you may be up in arms, screaming over your organic mochaccinos, “Where is my voice of Libertarian, anti-minimum wage, anti-science, militant-vegetarian, local human interest-related reason in this mad, mad world?”

Patience my child. Patience always.

I want to talk about humans, particularly human invention. So many tools, so many extensions to the bodies they were given with examples ranging from rock hammers to that web-net thing with all the fiberoptics (it’s so cute, and so promising, I’ve heard you can find imagery from Calista Flockhart’s Florida spring break).

A good amount of asphalt has been laid across the world since the seventh day. It is not really feasible to function to your fullest capacity in the societies you’ve developed without motorized transportation of some sort. In my omnipotence, I can safely say that an SUV is the way to go. But not one of those deathtrap numbers on Firestone tires. A large piece of metal with the power of many horses should be a precision instrument, something worthy of military-style overspending.

“Get a Hummer.” This is the Word of the Lord.

I mean not to doubt your infinite wisdom Lord, but aren’t they dangerous?

Only if you run into them with your paper -thin rocket. The Hummer provides its passengers safety from the elements on the road. Safe passage for 8! Not that that matters so much in my family, where I am not only the “Father” of my son’s mother, but my son is also one and the same with myself. But the spaciousness is grand, and imagine the carpool opportunities!

A vehicle that can race men across deserts during heavy warfare in my name can safely and efficiently handle any civilian Sunday drive you throw at it, from a lazy roll to church to an aggressive conquering of majestic purple mountains.

Currently Hummers require quite a volume of fossil fuels, but that technology’s on its way out anyway. Fossil fuels, like humans, can’t last forever (and I don’t mean to come across as morbid, but I’m real excited to see the development of post-human life, like silicon-based life forms, or coracles).

Sometimes you just have to take it as it comes. You may recall the parable of a father who bestowed upon his sons a small wealth in coins. Long story short, the son who conserved his coins ended up looking the fool while his brothers were rewarded for their cunning and profitable investment of the funds for profit.

Think about it.

‘Til next time.