Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

Alcohol is an integral part of college life. We drink in I.V., in the bars downtown; some of us even pour it on our Cheerios in the morning. However, UCSB is strangling the student body, condemning them to five years of parched throats and sobriety through its restrictive alcohol policies. It’s ridiculous that alcohol use is confined to the Hub in the UCen and Cheadle Hall.

We at A.S. feel that this injustice has gone on long enough. That’s why Leg Council put a measure on the ballot asking students to allow us to serve alcohol during our meetings. We feel that the absence of alcohol every week is why we have failed the UCSB community this year.

During our time here, we have learned not to just to like alcohol but to love it. Personally, I know I can’t function without a cool one in my hand. In fact, I’m on my fifth beer right now and I’m writing at my very best.

Alcohol causes a significant decrease in the inhibitions of those drinking. No more will Leggies feel restricted to using idiotic language and moronic political correctness in order to make a point. They’ll feel free to blurt out what they’re thinking without so much as a second thought, and that’s good.

The current restrictions are not good for us. Making us sober up for these meetings is hard on our bodies, which are used to having lots and lots of alcohol in them. We start to go through bad stuff when we don’t have it. We get cranky and mad and can’t think straight.

That cheap-ass soda they have at our meetings is no good. The caffeine makes us have to pee too much. If we’re drunk we won’t realize we’re pissing on ourselves. We won’t have to leave to go to the bathroom or anything. It’ll be great.

We also feel that having a keg or two and maybe some mixed fruity drinks for the ladies will make everyone friendlier. Like, the student body people might actually start showing up for our meetings and things and it’ll be great. You can show up and I’ll say “Hey dude! How are you doing?” and then you can go, “Not much! Just came by to get some brew and participate in the community!” No one gets carded neither, ’cause we love everybody here at AS. No, seriously, like, I really love you all.

Don’t you tell me it’s a bad idea. Who are you anyway? You don’t know shit, mister. You don’t know shit. If you show up at our meetings I’ll throw down, punk-ass. I can take you. You ain’t nothin’. You elected me, remember? You can’t fire me. I’ll fire YOU.

So go vote and stuff or not. I don’t even care anymore.

– Marvin Boyle