Opinion

January 14, 2002

Red Tape: Above Streetlights, Bathed in Starlight

By Josh Braun

At the coastline, sailboats and oil platforms take up the shining torch, stretching out toward the horizon where they meet the sky, and turn the entire world into one giant field of stars.

January 11, 2002

Bwaaaa!

By Staff

The WeatherNeighbor got too drunk at the WeatherPad last night and awoke this morning with a wicked hangover. She ran to the bathroom to vomit, but one of the WeatherHousemates was already in there taking a shower. She b...

January 11, 2002

No One’s Genitals Are the Property of Someone Else

By Theo Baker

Your boyfriend's penis is not "your penis." It is HIS penis and it was his penis long before you two began sleeping together. And he will most likely share his penis with others after you two break up or move on or whate...

January 11, 2002

Leo Lydon Was More Than Another Name in the Paper

By Abby Collins

Leo was not your average college freshman. He seemed normal. As the year progressed, however, we would find out that normal reached a whole new level with Leo.

January 10, 2002

Plover Porno

By Staff

Plovers are chubby chasers. That is why most of Sands Beach is closed off. Too much exercise kills the erotic tension on the beach, destroying the plover’s natural chunky love. Flying, running or even shifting thei...

January 10, 2002

There’s No Pill for Proper Parenting

By Henry Sarria

Accutane, adolescents and single-engine aircraft are the latest recipe for disaster, at least according to officials in my former home state of Florida.

January 10, 2002

The Web Forum: Leo Lydon

By Staff

"Leo was one of my best friends. I knew him since he was seven. We went through so much together. I can't even start to tell any of you how much this really sucks."

January 10, 2002

Parking Lots and People Aren’t Good Sex Aids for Plovers

By Brendan Buhler

The county planners, bright and well-meaning chaps all, are kicking around a plan to enhance the natural beauty of Sands Beach with a big, fat parking lot. Just like at Goleta Beach.

January 9, 2002

Living With a Hernia

By Staff

The weatherpet is not a young guinea pig. He was confronted with this fact over Winter Break: one minute he was kicking and punching with Billy Blanks, the next he was futilely grasping at his side. The doctor poked the ...

January 9, 2002

Over-the-Counter Insurance

By Staff

The new year brings with it smarter birth control for Californians. As of Jan. 1, it is legal for every woman in the state to purchase the morning-after pill over the counter at her local pharmacy.

January 9, 2002

The Sea May Be Old, but There’s Still Plenty of Motion in That Ocean

By Sarah Kent

When my family and friends found out I was (finally) getting laid, I was almost surprised to discover that their reactions were all the same. They were shocked.

January 9, 2002

UCSB’s Torchbearers Deserve Recognition for Their Distinction

By Geren Piltz

UCSB is well represented in the 2002 Olympic Torch Relay by two inspirational individuals who both happen to be from the Department of Dramatic Arts.

January 8, 2002

Living Without Vowels: Ringing in a Year of Disasters, Cartoons and Vomit

By Steven Ruszczycky

Most people make resolutions they won't keep, they plan for things that will never happen and they dream about how things will be different. I guess I can't blame them too much - optimism never killed anyone.

January 8, 2002

A Sight as Lovely as a ‘Shroom

By Staff

I intend to resurrect the art of journalistic prose.

January 8, 2002

Sweet Home Isla Vista: Busted Plumbing, Moldy Wall and Idiot Neighbors

By Cara Jennison

In Isla Vista there are two ways to deal with a poor living environment: Either heavily self-medicate, or find a sanctuary outside of your luxury apartment.

January 7, 2002