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Please Don’t

April 20, 2005 by

It's 4/20, and the government just replaced the single grain-heavy food pyramid we grew up with 12 different ones to reflect your sex, lifestyle, age, tax filing status, etc.
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Drugstore Cowboy: Forget Real Crimes, Let’s Get Stoners

April 20, 2005 by Cory Anthony

As of Tuesday, April 19, 2005, the federal government has spent well over $6 billion on the great "War on Drugs" for this year. I suppose it's needless to remind you that this year has barely kicked o...
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Enter Princess Charming

April 19, 2005 by Lulwa Bordcosh

A woman's charm goes further than tactics of batting eyelashes, uncontrollable giggles and a hiked-up miniskirt. Case in point: When a man would apply one of his pickup lines and I would respond with ...
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Vote for the Donner Party

April 19, 2005 by

It's the second day of A.S. elections, so you should have already voted for me for president, but in case you haven't, I have another campaign promise: As A.S. president, all of the crimes I commit (o...
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Private Dancer: The Deception Behind Gender Studies

April 19, 2005 by Alec Mouhibian

I'm not much for playground gender discourse. Men aren't from Mars - and as far as I'm concerned, if women were really from Venus, they'd have three boobs. Yet there are certain phallophobic feminists...
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Understanding Depression Is Essential to Its Treatment

April 19, 2005 by Daniel Shepherd

One could argue that this year has started off on the wrong foot. The persistent rains, devastating tsunami and the pressure of another quarter can all contribute to a less-than-perky attitude. For so...
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Dumbass DP Ledge Jumper Provides Cliffhanging Entertainment

April 19, 2005 by David Fuad

As a house of 12 guys on oceanside DP, we're frequently front and center as the helpless victims/neutral spectators/chronic instigators of the relentless debauchery that is DP. We knew what we were ge...
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It’s ok, It Can Fix Itself

April 18, 2005 by Matt Cappiello

I spent most of Earth Day trashed out of my mind. The festivities at Anisq' Oyo' Park pushed the holiday to an alcoholic extreme, making even the most prudish of students into slothful sex machines. W...
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Ooooh… Student Government…

April 18, 2005 by

Quick! Drop whatever you're doing now (sitting in lecture, breast-feeding, both, etc.), run to a computer, log on to GOLD and vote for the Weatherhuman for A.S. president.
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He Said: Do More Than Just Cruise While Rolling on Your Cruiser

April 18, 2005 by Alex Pavlovic

Before you go about giving that biker on a cell phone the dirtiest look you can muster, perhaps you should commend them for killing two birds with one cell phone-shaped stone.
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She Said: Biking and Chatting Warrants a Swift Kick to the Face

April 18, 2005 by Anna Oleson-Wheeler

When you learn to drive they advise you against certain distractions while operating the vehicle: listening to headphones, giving road head and talking on the phone - to avoid an untimely death.
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How Can the Public Stand Behind Bush?

April 18, 2005 by Daniel Gruen

Republican rhetoric won't suffice when it comes to the things Americans value most. At least, Republican rhetoric shouldn't suffice, especially when the standard of living for Americans is threatening...
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Don’t Let the Foot Patrol Infringe Upon Your Rights

April 18, 2005 by Myles Rush

Have you ever seen an I.V. Foot Patrol officer arrest someone or been arrested yourself, but couldn't figure out why? Has an officer made an unprofessional or inappropriate comment to you? Has an of...
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Budweiser Overboard!

April 15, 2005 by Sean Swaby

I was hoping my solution to your election-induced stomachache would be to write a self-serving, liquor-driven endorsement for myself as A.S. president, but apparently, I could lose my job for such beh...
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There’s the Beef

April 15, 2005 by

Some woman supposedly found part of a human finger in her bowl of Wendy's chili. Isn't it weird how people are always finding toes and chicken heads and razors and shit in fast food?
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