Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Gay off that J: “I get so gay off that sativa”

April 23, 2026 by

As the annual celebration of 4/20 in UC Santa Barbara rears its smoky head once again, it will come with the inevitable uptick in reports of fuzzy romantic feelings of the homosexual variety.
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Girl takes first rip of bong, immediately reaches nirvana

April 23, 2026 by

A local UC Santa Barbara second-year purity studies major Madonna Phelps has made headlines this week for reaching a state of nirvana, previously only talked about in religious texts. This past Monday...
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Mooned: Astronauts reach the back side of the moon, creating discourse regarding consent

April 16, 2026 by

The mysterious “dark side of the Moon” has long been the topic of LSD-ridden rock bands and TikTok witches, but few have asked if the Moon even wants her dark side to be seen.
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Happy Couchella: I’m depressed ASF and can’t leave my house

April 16, 2026 by

This time of year, many simpletons are engaging in “Coachella.” However, I am above that kind of unintellectual activity. Instead, I participate in Couchella, which is a far more refined experienc...
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I lived it: My situationship with the Santa Barbara MTD

April 16, 2026 by

Never reliable. Lies about location. Always late. Never there for you when you need it. Always seen with other people.
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UCSB wins March Yakness, gains nationwide recognition

April 9, 2026 by

In a development that has changed the lives of the chronically online and proved as yet another loss for the productive, UC Santa Barbara gained global notoriety and prestige after emerging victorious...
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What your leasing company says about you …

April 9, 2026 by

By the time spring quarter rolls around, most microtrends hanging in your closet are out of fashion, meaning you need to find a new aesthetic to base your personality off of for the next few months. W...
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UCSB adds special migration corridors for flocks of touring students

April 3, 2026 by

With college acceptances having come in waves throughout the month of March, high school seniors are now faced with the incredibly tough task of saying “I do” to a college. These same colleges mus...
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Heartwarming: Bullied UCSB student drags blow-up sex doll through I.V.

March 5, 2026 by

Avert your eyes: There’s a cuteness overload roaming the streets of Isla Vista!
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Student turns in essay without reading books, called “interpretive”

March 5, 2026 by

In what is being called a “masterclass in imaginative scholarship,” a UC Santa Barbara student has turned in a literary analysis essay without opening a single assigned book. The essay, supposedly...
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Pretentious priority registration students flaunt status again

March 5, 2026 by

As pass 3 course registration begins, students must once again brace against the reminders of their lack of priority registration. 
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Student gets B+ on midterm, immediately confesses to cheating on girlfriend

February 26, 2026 by

In an incident that has left life science students shaken to their core and the rest of the student body virtually unsurprised, a student interrupted an EEMB 2 lecture on Monday to make an unexpected,...
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Inspired! Frat boy shoves his dirty fingers in my mouth

February 26, 2026 by

Last weekend in Isla Vista was like a movie. And by movie I mean “‘Wuthering Heights’” (2026).
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ASPB announces Deltopia alternative event: Bouncy house

February 26, 2026 by

The Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisors voted to impose a 72-hour noise ordinance the weekend of Deltopia, the — formerly — largest annual college party in the country. After backlash from s...
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New Year Part II: Chinese New Year offers resolution do-over

February 19, 2026 by

Chinese New Year fell on Tuesday, Feb. 17 and offered people around the world the chance to start the year anew. In the face of failed resolutions only two months into 2026, many people have jumped at...
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