Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

CALPIRG goes nuclear, thanks Trump

January 30, 2025 by

Recent studies have shown that students at UC Santa Barbara are stopped by California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) members about 50 times per week. As of late, the tag teaming efforts of t...
read more

Straight man nods head at back of band show, shocked no women approach him

January 30, 2025 by

It was 11:38 p.m. at the ‘Snot Fuckers’ bandshow in the backyard of a house on 69 Del Playa Drive. A diverse crowd of music enjoyers had gathered: girls seeking a break from the Bikinis and Benadr...
read more

Size does matter: Instagram feed update fucking sucks

January 23, 2025 by

Are you trying to ruin my life, Meta?
read more

UCSB unveils new 10-year academic plan

January 23, 2025 by

After wasting their first quarter at UC Santa Barbara taking Online Walking, many students are realizing that major requirement classes are hard to come by. To combat this widespread problem and the o...
read more

Local man “not ready to commit” to group project

January 16, 2025 by

In a groundbreaking display of emotional vulnerability, third-year political science major Andrew Logan announced over the weekend that he is “not ready for the commitment” required by his POL S 1...
read more

Study finds that riding electric skateboards DOES make you cool

January 16, 2025 by

Despite previous understanding that the only cool way to ride a skateboard is, you know, the normal way by using your leg to push, a new study finds that there might be a much cooler way. Students hav...
read more

UCSB parent Facebook group found extremely informative

January 14, 2025 by

While UC Santa Barbara students waste their time doing coke off of collapsing beachfront porches, their parents are worried sick. Reliable news sources, only made available on Facebook, have found tha...
read more

Yay! Parents gifts based on my interests at twelve

December 29, 2024 by

For yet another year, college students are haunted by the ghost of middle school past. When opening gifts on Christmas morning, one can only dream of receiving the trendy Tiffany lamp or Pedro Pascal ...
read more

Finally! High winds blow short kings away

November 21, 2024 by

Isla Vista’s colder months have arrived and the intense weather has caused great harm to men under 5 feet 6 inches tall. Winds reaching above 20 mph have caught these young men by their basketball s...
read more

Trumpkin Spice Lattes prove the winner

November 14, 2024 by

Ladies and gentleman, the poll data is in. Young college students, some of them UC Santa Barbara’s very own, contributed to Donald Trump’s reelection. The reason: Trumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, you h...
read more

Your body, my choice: Gluing fake pregnancy bellies to deserving men

November 14, 2024 by

Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usua...
read more

Op-ed: Trump is exactly what America needs

November 14, 2024 by

This past week, America has been divided as ever. The UC Santa Barbara community is a perfect snapshot of our country as a whole. Few worked to mobilize, some voted and most can’t really be bothered...
read more

Raccoon elected chancellor, proclaims open garbage policy

November 14, 2024 by

After a long, arduous search for the individual who truly understands UC Santa Barbara and Isla Vista the best, the senate advisory committee announced today that it will appoint Dave Raccoon as UCSB...
read more

Right on time! I made it to class 10 minutes before it ended

November 7, 2024 by

Let’s paint the scene. It’s a Saturday night. I went out with my friends. That’s what Saturdays are for, right? We got burritos at Freebirds, chilled in the lounge and played blackjack until 2 a...
read more

UCSB Environmental Health & Safety says ‘IDGAF’

November 7, 2024 by

UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety has made headlines this week following a loud explosion reported in the building, halting business (which many didn’t even know was happening). As ...
read more