Nexustentialism

May 21, 2026

ASPB implements X-ray technology at Extravaganza to prevent booze smuggling

By High Value Female

In the past, Extravaganza has been the stomping ground of unruly underaged students looking to get wasted with their buddies. This year, the Associated Students Program Board had enough and implemented advanced security ...

May 14, 2026

Extravaganza lineup unites gays and straights alike

By High Value Female

Extravaganza's lineup has finally been released and, surprisingly, UC Santa Barbara students of all sexualities have united over the artists picked to perform.

May 14, 2026

Horses escape from 68 Pasado, find frat ketamine

By Jesse Joint

Last weekend, as the usual Isla Vista festivities began to bathe the town in mutli-colored lights and the sound of 40 beginner bands, an unusual newcomer to the Goleta scene took the night by storm, or rather by hoof.

May 7, 2026

Irritated by cigarettes’ “mainstream” popularity, indie man smokes pipe

By Joseph R. Biden

Second-year political science major Jake Bertrand made waves in the Isla Vista community this past Wednesday at Pint Night when he was spotted smoking an 1800s-era tobacco pipe outside of Woodstock’s. 

May 7, 2026

Top five places to shit on campus

By Lady Dr. Big Naturalz

There comes a time in every Gaucho’s life when taking a shit on campus is absolutely necessary. Maybe you’re egregiously hungover from your housemate’s “Wine Wednesday,” or maybe your Arbor coffee went straight...

April 30, 2026

The 5 Most Underrated UCSB Eats

By Mikaela St. James

Are you tired of eating food from the same restaurants over and over again in Isla Vista? Look no further! While I.V. has limited restaurant options, there still are hidden gems waiting to be discovered. These are the mo...

April 30, 2026

Spoiled! Sugar daddy buys me granola on EBT

By High Value Female

I know you guys just read the headline and are jealous. It's okay, you can just live vicariously through me.

April 30, 2026

A.S. election, California gubernatorial race compete for irrelevancy

By Joseph R. Biden

The UC Santa Barbara spring election was supposed to close this past Thursday but was extended due to low voter turnout, with items on the ballot such as Associated Students offices and nothing else that anyone can name....

April 23, 2026

Wait dude I’m like so high right now

By Don Juan Tenorio

Ok waitttt my friend gave me a 5 mg edible dude im like actually so high it’s crazy like literally i cant even feel my face dude holy shit. Im totally zoinked dude its like not funny.

April 23, 2026

Gay off that J: “I get so gay off that sativa”

By Jessie Joint

As the annual celebration of 4/20 in UC Santa Barbara rears its smoky head once again, it will come with the inevitable uptick in reports of fuzzy romantic feelings of the homosexual variety.

April 23, 2026

Girl takes first rip of bong, immediately reaches nirvana

By Serrano Ham

A local UC Santa Barbara second-year purity studies major Madonna Phelps has made headlines this week for reaching a state of nirvana, previously only talked about in religious texts. This past Monday, 4/20, people all o...

April 16, 2026

Mooned: Astronauts reach the back side of the moon, creating discourse regarding consent

By Lucille My Balls

The mysterious “dark side of the Moon” has long been the topic of LSD-ridden rock bands and TikTok witches, but few have asked if the Moon even wants her dark side to be seen.

April 16, 2026

Happy Couchella: I’m depressed ASF and can’t leave my house

By Benjamin Epstein

This time of year, many simpletons are engaging in “Coachella.” However, I am above that kind of unintellectual activity. Instead, I participate in Couchella, which is a far more refined experience meant for enlighte...

April 16, 2026

I lived it: My situationship with the Santa Barbara MTD

By Joseph R. Biden

Never reliable. Lies about location. Always late. Never there for you when you need it. Always seen with other people.

April 9, 2026

UCSB wins March Yakness, gains nationwide recognition

By Ivanna Doomscroll

In a development that has changed the lives of the chronically online and proved as yet another loss for the productive, UC Santa Barbara gained global notoriety and prestige after emerging victorious in the 2026 March Y...

April 9, 2026

What your leasing company says about you …

By Lucille My Balls

By the time spring quarter rolls around, most microtrends hanging in your closet are out of fashion, meaning you need to find a new aesthetic to base your personality off of for the next few months. We all know coquette ...