Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

I lived it: My situationship with the Santa Barbara MTD

April 16, 2026 by

Never reliable. Lies about location. Always late. Never there for you when you need it. Always seen with other people.
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UCSB wins March Yakness, gains nationwide recognition

April 9, 2026 by

In a development that has changed the lives of the chronically online and proved as yet another loss for the productive, UC Santa Barbara gained global notoriety and prestige after emerging victorious...
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What your leasing company says about you …

April 9, 2026 by

By the time spring quarter rolls around, most microtrends hanging in your closet are out of fashion, meaning you need to find a new aesthetic to base your personality off of for the next few months. W...
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UCSB adds special migration corridors for flocks of touring students

April 3, 2026 by

With college acceptances having come in waves throughout the month of March, high school seniors are now faced with the incredibly tough task of saying “I do” to a college. These same colleges mus...
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Heartwarming: Bullied UCSB student drags blow-up sex doll through I.V.

March 5, 2026 by

Avert your eyes: There’s a cuteness overload roaming the streets of Isla Vista!
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Student turns in essay without reading books, called “interpretive”

March 5, 2026 by

In what is being called a “masterclass in imaginative scholarship,” a UC Santa Barbara student has turned in a literary analysis essay without opening a single assigned book. The essay, supposedly...
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Pretentious priority registration students flaunt status again

March 5, 2026 by

As pass 3 course registration begins, students must once again brace against the reminders of their lack of priority registration. 
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Student gets B+ on midterm, immediately confesses to cheating on girlfriend

February 26, 2026 by

In an incident that has left life science students shaken to their core and the rest of the student body virtually unsurprised, a student interrupted an EEMB 2 lecture on Monday to make an unexpected,...
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Inspired! Frat boy shoves his dirty fingers in my mouth

February 26, 2026 by

Last weekend in Isla Vista was like a movie. And by movie I mean “‘Wuthering Heights’” (2026).
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ASPB announces Deltopia alternative event: Bouncy house

February 26, 2026 by

The Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisors voted to impose a 72-hour noise ordinance the weekend of Deltopia, the — formerly — largest annual college party in the country. After backlash from s...
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New Year Part II: Chinese New Year offers resolution do-over

February 19, 2026 by

Chinese New Year fell on Tuesday, Feb. 17 and offered people around the world the chance to start the year anew. In the face of failed resolutions only two months into 2026, many people have jumped at...
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Thank God! Fatties silenced

February 19, 2026 by

After years of promoting realistic body standards, combating toxic diet culture and planting like three size-six women in Hollywood, the world order has finally been returned: early 2000s-style skinny...
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How to break up with your low-commitment, exclusive, no-labels situationship with benefits

February 12, 2026 by

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and with it often comes the realization that maybe you could be treating yourself better. Taken too many walks of shame recently? Maybe it’s time to ditch that ...
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C.A.P.S. opens sports betting division, overwhelmed after Super Bowl

February 12, 2026 by

UC Santa Barbara Counseling and Psychological Services (C.A.P.S.) opened the door to their newest service: support for failed sports gamblers on Feb. 9. C.A.P.S. counselors expect these services to be...
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Frat Looksmaxxer mistakes peptides for HRT

February 12, 2026 by

Each new year brings with it new health and fitness trends that begin to dominate every frat house, football field and Friday function. Whether it’s downing Joe Rogan brand protein powder or shoving...
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