Nexustentialism

April 23, 2026

Gay off that J: “I get so gay off that sativa”

By Jessie Joint

As the annual celebration of 4/20 in UC Santa Barbara rears its smoky head once again, it will come with the inevitable uptick in reports of fuzzy romantic feelings of the homosexual variety.

April 23, 2026

Girl takes first rip of bong, immediately reaches nirvana

By Serrano Ham

A local UC Santa Barbara second-year purity studies major Madonna Phelps has made headlines this week for reaching a state of nirvana, previously only talked about in religious texts. This past Monday, 4/20, people all o...

April 16, 2026

Mooned: Astronauts reach the back side of the moon, creating discourse regarding consent

By Lucille My Balls

The mysterious “dark side of the Moon” has long been the topic of LSD-ridden rock bands and TikTok witches, but few have asked if the Moon even wants her dark side to be seen.

April 16, 2026

Happy Couchella: I’m depressed ASF and can’t leave my house

By Benjamin Epstein

This time of year, many simpletons are engaging in “Coachella.” However, I am above that kind of unintellectual activity. Instead, I participate in Couchella, which is a far more refined experience meant for enlighte...

April 16, 2026

I lived it: My situationship with the Santa Barbara MTD

By Joseph R. Biden

Never reliable. Lies about location. Always late. Never there for you when you need it. Always seen with other people.

April 9, 2026

UCSB wins March Yakness, gains nationwide recognition

By Ivanna Doomscroll

In a development that has changed the lives of the chronically online and proved as yet another loss for the productive, UC Santa Barbara gained global notoriety and prestige after emerging victorious in the 2026 March Y...

April 9, 2026

What your leasing company says about you …

By Lucille My Balls

By the time spring quarter rolls around, most microtrends hanging in your closet are out of fashion, meaning you need to find a new aesthetic to base your personality off of for the next few months. We all know coquette ...

April 3, 2026

UCSB adds special migration corridors for flocks of touring students

By Serrano Ham

With college acceptances having come in waves throughout the month of March, high school seniors are now faced with the incredibly tough task of saying “I do” to a college. These same colleges must also tackle some t...

March 5, 2026

Heartwarming: Bullied UCSB student drags blow-up sex doll through I.V.

By Don Juan Tenorio

Avert your eyes: There’s a cuteness overload roaming the streets of Isla Vista!

March 5, 2026

Student turns in essay without reading books, called “interpretive”

By Serrano Ham

In what is being called a “masterclass in imaginative scholarship,” a UC Santa Barbara student has turned in a literary analysis essay without opening a single assigned book. The essay, supposedly exploring the theme...

March 5, 2026

Pretentious priority registration students flaunt status again

By Mewa Larus

As pass 3 course registration begins, students must once again brace against the reminders of their lack of priority registration. 

February 26, 2026

Student gets B+ on midterm, immediately confesses to cheating on girlfriend

By Ivanna Doomscroll

In an incident that has left life science students shaken to their core and the rest of the student body virtually unsurprised, a student interrupted an EEMB 2 lecture on Monday to make an unexpected, jarring confession.

February 26, 2026

Inspired! Frat boy shoves his dirty fingers in my mouth

By Don Juan Tenorio

Last weekend in Isla Vista was like a movie. And by movie I mean “‘Wuthering Heights’” (2026).

February 26, 2026

ASPB announces Deltopia alternative event: Bouncy house

By Joseph R. Biden

The Santa Barbara County Board of Supervisors voted to impose a 72-hour noise ordinance the weekend of Deltopia, the — formerly — largest annual college party in the country. After backlash from students, UC Santa Ba...

February 19, 2026

New Year Part II: Chinese New Year offers resolution do-over

By Serrano Ham

Chinese New Year fell on Tuesday, Feb. 17 and offered people around the world the chance to start the year anew. In the face of failed resolutions only two months into 2026, many people have jumped at the chance to creat...

February 19, 2026

Thank God! Fatties silenced

By Joseph R. Biden

After years of promoting realistic body standards, combating toxic diet culture and planting like three size-six women in Hollywood, the world order has finally been returned: early 2000s-style skinny culture is back.