Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

The mysterious “dark side of the Moon” has long been the topic of LSD-ridden rock bands and TikTok witches, but few have asked if the Moon even wants her dark side to be seen.

Since her discovery, the Moon has stayed steadfast in her boundaries; you can see it from the front but you may never hit it from the back. Many lunar scientists and anthropologists have attributed this preference to the Moon’s search for emotional intimacy, arguing that the Moon tends to feel objectified when not looked in her metaphorical eyes.

However, just two weeks ago on April 1, 2026, NASA disregarded the Moon’s centuries old plead for privacy and sent Artemis II into a full lunar rotation —  including her private back side. In turn, international discourse surrounding extra-terrestrial consent has been sparked.

Former TikTok witch and current activist Eileen Ulick (@cosmoconsent) has been particularly outspoken on this matter after taking a six-week online Introduction to Feminist Studies course at her local community college.

“Why has there never been an expedition to the back side of the sun?” Ulick contended on TikTok live last night. “It’s no coincidence that the men at NASA respect the boundaries of the ‘masculine’ sun but not the clear boundaries of the ‘feminine’ moon.”

After clips of Ulick’s live went viral, and the public began putting pressure on NASA, President Donald Trump posted the following on x.com:

“The Artemis II expedition has been the single GREATEST and MOST SUCCESSFUL space mission in the history of the world! Why are all the DERANGED liberals complaining when NASA already included TWO women? I LOVE THE MOON LIKE I LOVE WOMEN — WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

However, in a recently leaked video, President Trump was heard telling the NASA director to “grab the moon by her dark side.” 

In response to this ongoing controversy, NASA realsed a statement begging everyone to “leave them the fuck alone.” I guess engineering majors never get less awkward.

Attempting to prolong her TikTok fame, Eileen Ulick led a successful TikTok live in raising awareness for cosmic consent, ending her live with a powerful statement; “Her celestial body, her choice! Thank you for the roses!”

UPDATE: A GoFundMe has been launched to support the Moon’s legal fees following her sexual harassment lawsuit against NASA.

Lucille My Balls wants to see the dark side of your moon…