Lucille My Balls

October 29, 2026

These five easy steps will get any man into exclusive fraternity parties

By Lucille My Balls

As Halloween rolls around at UC Santa Barbara, many nonfraternity-affiliated men suffer from a FOMO-related disorder: fear of not getting fucked up and/or getting bitches (FONGFUA/OGB). The symptoms of this disorder have...

April 16, 2026

Mooned: Astronauts reach the back side of the moon, creating discourse regarding consent

By Lucille My Balls

The mysterious “dark side of the Moon” has long been the topic of LSD-ridden rock bands and TikTok witches, but few have asked if the Moon even wants her dark side to be seen.

April 9, 2026

What your leasing company says about you …

By Lucille My Balls

By the time spring quarter rolls around, most microtrends hanging in your closet are out of fashion, meaning you need to find a new aesthetic to base your personality off of for the next few months. We all know coquette ...