These five easy steps will get any man into exclusive fraternity parties

As Halloween rolls around at UC Santa Barbara, many nonfraternity-affiliated men suffer from a FOMO-related disorder: fear of not getting fucked up and/or getting bitches (FONGFUA/OGB). The symptoms of this disorder have only been exacerbated by recent reports of absolute ragers, causing tension between the fraternity and nonfraternity populations across Isla Vista.

For many of these nonfraternity-affiliated populations, the solution isn’t as easy as simply joining a fraternity, which is much easier said than done. Meanwhile, half-empty band parties provide little to no relief for those afflicted by chronic FONGFUA/OGB.

Second-year Biology major Aidan Knickerbacker voiced his complaints regarding rumors of hazing in fraternities. 

“I really want to party but I heard frats do a bunch of gay shit,” Knickerbacker said “Don’t get me wrong I love homoerotic male friendships as much as the next guy, but I hate being told what to do! It completely takes the passion away from the experience.”

Many feel hopeless regarding their fate of dorm-room video games instead of dance floor feel-ups, but with these simple five steps, partying as a nonfraternity-affiliate man has just gotten so much easier! 

Disclaimer: The Daily Nexus is not responsible for any harm to life or property that may arise as a result of following this guide.

STEP 1: Pick your target. It is important to choose a specific fraternity in advance as each has their own complex security system. Case the house. Find your entrances. Find your exits. Plant recording devices. Find the weakest link. And most importantly, learn the names of at least five brothers.

STEP 2: Shave your body clean. This step is absolutely essential. Complete baldness will ensure aerodynamics. There should be NO hair on your body in order for the process to succeed. Even a stray armpit or chest hair can throw the whole operation off. 

STEP 3: Go to the chosen fraternity house. Find the frat boy’s dumpster. Get in there. Hide under discarded trash if applicable. Wait. This step should be done 24 to 36 hours before the party begins so if you get hungry or bored, bring snacks and a Nintendo Switch to keep you entertained. Wear a diaper if you have to. This is where shit gets serious. This is when the distinction between those who want to party and those who need to party will come clear.

STEP 4: Once the mediocre DJ starts blaring offbeat mashups, it’s go time. Your in-the-dumpster position means you have already infiltrated the heavily-guarded borders. Log roll from out of the dumpster. Change out of diaper if needed. Change into a pre-planted on-theme outfit. 

STEP 5: Go get fucked up and get some bitches. Let your world be changed by the magic of fraternity houses.

Lucille My Balls regards fraternities as America’s most important institutions.