Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

As the annual celebration of 4/20 in UC Santa Barbara rears its smoky head once again, it will come with the inevitable uptick in reports of fuzzy romantic feelings of the homosexual variety.

As many boys begin to smoke up this Monday after sitting down with their munchies of choice, they may start to find the tastier snack to be their friend sitting cozily next to them. The startling realization that at the slightest moment of relaxation intense gay feelings have risen to the surface may be a shock to the system of the average frat boy, but that is no reason to fear as it is startlingly common.

We spoke with fourth-year business major and pledge master Fred Flowers to get more information on the phenomenon.

“Yeah lots of guys start getting a bit queer around the holiday and it usually means we have to adjust plans. Usually we make these guys do gay stuff as punishment, but when they start getting a little too excited about being forced to swap spit, we have to switch up the consequences. Like with Jamie over there, after one 4/20 he didn’t really ever stop kissing guys, but nah I’m sure he’s not gay,” Flowers said.

Following this comment, third-year economics major Jamie Ober responded. 

“I’ve had a boyfriend for two years now, Fred. Get with the program,” Ober said.

We then spoke with Justin Bloys, a second-year economics major and fraternity brother who had recently been afflicted with the queering clouds of the holiday. He mentioned how the symptoms came on suddenly and persisted.

“It all started when I hit the J for the first time and immediately felt the violent need to make out with my friend Andrew on the couch. Just something about his cute ass face and how he was so sweet and giggly made me want to just devour his face,” Bloys said. “Now it just happens every time I see him, I wonder when this weed stuff starts wearing off?”

As more and more men begin to discover the romantic clarity of the powerful plant this lovely 4/20, I implore those feelings to be allowed and respected. Mostly because every fellow frat boy sitting around you is feeling the exact same panic about how they can’t stop staring at their handsome bro and his perky pecs.

At least it can be an easy switch from “big” and “pledge” to instead “top” and “bottom.” 

With that sage guidance, please enjoy your 4/20 carefully, considerately and queerly.

Jesse Joint intends to kiss boys and blunts this 4/20.