Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

The way I partake in Couchella is simple: I sit on my couch and never leave my house out of fear that I may have to talk to someone. 

But, is there music? Yes! I listen to The Postal Service’s 2003 album “Give Up” on repeat. But, is there food? Yes! The four bags of black bean and quinoa chips I bought from Trader Joe’s aren’t going to eat themselves; that is physically impossible. 

But, will Sabrina Carpenter be here? Probably not. However, it is possible that she might walk into my house for some reason or another. However, even without Sabrina Carpenter, there is more than enough entertainment, like watching “The Pitt” while scrolling through Instagram on my phone. 

You too can also take part in Couchella. All you need is chronic depression and a couch, or, if you don’t have a couch, you can make use of a bed, sofa, bean bag, large moss-covered rock, pile of mud, belly of a very large woodland creature or carpentered floor. 

With Coachella, you have to be trapped in an environment with hundreds of sweaty people. 

However, with Couchella, the only sweaty person you’re trapped with is yourself. That’s why, this year, I’m staying on the couch. 

By Benjamin Denner Epstein