Weather

November 14, 2003

Cop Out

By Staff

Well, the 'human went and got shitfaced before coming up with today's column. Now I'm staring at the roof of this goddamned cave, trying to think, like I have so many times before.

November 13, 2003

Take a Bite Out of It

By Staff

Our best hoops player went down with an injury - damn our luck. Just another blow for the athletics department, who, due to some organizational error, have forgotten to schedule games for the football team for over a dec...

November 12, 2003

Strategery Is an Important Part of Governizing

By Staff

Arnold hired a new press secretary, a woman named Thompson. Apparently she worked on Gee-Dub Bush's campaign as well. Strange hiring, I thought. Arnold seemed to have the avoiding questions routine mastered.

November 10, 2003

On the Road

By Staff

The weatherhuman is writing from the road, somewhere in the blackness between Vegas and Baker. It's going to be a long drive for the 'human and associates. Three days of blasting the mind with chemicals, natural and othe...

November 7, 2003

Go Home

By Staff

The weatherhuman is on vacation in Las Vegas. Filling in today is its attorney and personal physician, Dr. Lazlo von Zonkerstein. As the weatherhuman's attorney I advise anyone who reads this to stand up and go home.

November 6, 2003

Substitute ‘Humans

By Staff

The weatherhuman will be out of the office the next two days. But I am never too far away. Crack a bottle of whiskey and I am there. Throw dice against the wall and hear my voice. Pass out under a hot sun and feel my emb...

November 5, 2003

You’re the Only One, Baby – ‘Til Next Month

By Staff

I got paid yesterday. I leave for Vegas tomorrow. It was nice knowing you, Paycheck. Pity we couldn't be together a little bit longer. But hey, we should have a fun time this weekend, huh?

November 4, 2003

Hold the Phone

By Staff

Someone on campus gave the 'human an ugly look because she was standing next to me using a hands-free phone and I asked if she was talking to me.

November 3, 2003

That Was a Lot of Money Back Then

By Staff

Things are never how they appear on Halloween. My companion at an exclusive downtown bar amazed me with their ability to keep up for hours with my rare weatherhuman dance attack.

October 31, 2003

Slippery Like a Pissed-On Pig

By Staff

Watch your step tonight. There's going to be horses with cop-jockeys stalking the streets of I.V. Personally, I'm not sure how we're going to handle the smell.

October 30, 2003

Human In Black

By Staff

The weathercomputer is on the fritz once again. The friendly technical support representative diagnosed my grumblings as resulting from a faulty motherboard.

October 29, 2003

Weatherfever-Catch It!

By Staff

Why do I have to get sick? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? And how will I bring laughter to the masses when I can't even breathe?

October 28, 2003

Pre-Marinate For Best Results

By The Weatherhuman

A storm is coming. It's coming from where you're from. It's your friends from back home. And boy, are they jazzed about coming to IV for Halloween.

October 27, 2003

Where’s Baldo?

By Staff

As sure as there's an American dream, there's an IV dream. Baldo lived it to its depraved extent. He hotboxed FT. He stole booze from the local marts and hats from sorority girls.

October 24, 2003

The weatherhuman has been approached by agents of the establishment.

By Staff

From: XXX XXXXXXXX of the Alcohol and Other Drug Program: "I was hoping for more insights into the drugs and alcohol scene at UCSB/IV....What would be an effective way to communicate and dialogue with peeps re:gettin hig...

October 23, 2003

Evel Lives

By Staff

Evel Knievel made it to 65 years old this week. I think that sends some great messages to the youth. Break any bone in your body and it will heal. A life of big-time gambling means certain pain and equally certain glory.