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Living Without Vowels: Pro-Lifer Knows How to Use Dead Babies to Get People Yelling

The aborted fetus on the sign the girl held looked like a wild panther had mauled it and then crammed the carcass in a blender to make smoothies for its cubs. I turned to my friend and told him I was ...
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UCSB Students Should Recognize Venoco’s Slick Plans

When most University of California Santa Barbara students stand on Campus Point and look out at Platform Holly - the closest oil platform to I.V. - they don't think much of it.
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UC Should Not Recall Students Studying in Israel

We have been briefed that the UC officers are considering suspending the program. I am begging you not to do that. All of us acknowledge that this is a very troubled time and that your concerns for ou...
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Respect Other People’s Property in I.V., You Pack of Savage Apes

My roommate was driving on the freeway at 70 mph when her tire burst. The reason her tire burst was because some asshole slashed the tires of every car parked on Camino Corto the night before.
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Hello, its Me, God. Listen up, suckers.

Hey everybody.God here. Thought I'd use my mystical power of divine intervention on this, the day following the passion of my humanish kid, Jesus.
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Serious issues facing our fraternities

Dude, brahs, sup?
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Leggies need beer with whine

Alcohol is an integral part of college life. We drink in I.V., in the bars downtown; some of us even pour it on our Cheerios in the morning.
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Reporters press for more booze

For the past three years, I've had to sit through A.S. Leg Council, covering their inane chatter and bickering for the Isla Vista News-Suppress.
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My column, having achieved perfection, does not need any editing

Note to editors: You don't have to edit this story. Please run it tomorrow and call me if you change anything.
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Global warming is heart warming

During my five years at UCSB I've heard nothing but "global warming is bad," "help stop global warming," "blah blah blah, global warming."
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Why must UC see up my anal cavity?

I understand that security is a big issue since the Sept. 11 attacks, but did UCSB really have to install cameras in all the bathrooms around campus?
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This school would be great sans you

I've got two more years at UCSB and I want to make them the best ever - you can help! All you have to do is transfer.
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Resisting Blind Patriotism

The repercussion I fear most is a radical crystallization of blind and belligerent national pride - the kind that mucks up even the most reliable channels of information, and impedes progress in all f...
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(No Ducks Were Actually Harmed)

The ducks seem more nervous in I.V. These ducks seem to sense a preditorial threat.
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Don’t Let Fliers Mislead You About the I.V. Master Plan

Recently, a misleading flyer and petition have been distributed throughout Isla Vista regarding the Isla Vista Project Area Committee. As the Graduate Student Association representative of the IV-PAC,...
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