Make Sexy Time Shaven, Not Furred
I will never know for sure, but if I were a gambling man, I would bet that James Bond is flying bald eagle.
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Lambright Plight Has All-Too-Familiar Tone
Pimping ain't easy and neither is being a Cuban. I know this to be a fact and to all fellow Cubans, I quote the words of Bill "Slick Willy the Teflon Man" Clinton: "I feel your pain."
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Band Begins Anew With Web Site
Radiohead is one of the greatest, most respected - but still underrated - bands of our generation. My good friend once referred to them as the Beatles of our musical age.
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Rules for Hot New Game Let You Say “So Long” to Pong
Today I would like to tell you about the best new drinking game on the rise. It combines competitive physical ability with heavy drinking and fun. The game: Snappa.
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Starbucks Deserves to Roast Rivals
Starbucks is crap and the corporate machine is the devil. Yada, yada, yada. When I hear shit like this, I usually feel like punching the nearest hippie.
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New Hump Replaces Sex Tips With Sleaze
Throughout my years here at UCSB, professors and administrators have constantly told me that I am attending one of the "top universities in the country."
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Bloated, Overdemaning UAW Suffocates American Auto Industry
General Motors, the largest automobile company on the planet, earned over $200 billion in revenue last year, but by December, had nearly $2 billion in net losses.
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The Midterm Master Reveals Secrets of Mad Testing Skills
Hello Gauchos, this is your conscience speaking. You know that odd sensation you feel churning in your gut right now? T
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A.S. Vilifies Candidate
Despite their desire to "create a safe space," some members in Associated Students Legislative Council seem to have a nasty habit of automatically jumping the gun and defining others with reputation-d...
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Don’t Fear the Falling Rain, Embrace It
I would like to take this opportunity to clear up a common misconception among UCSB students: it's okay to go out in the rain. It won't hurt you.
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Batteries Not Excluded From Trouble
Moore's Law, which states the number of transistors that can be placed on a single circuit will increase exponentially, doubling every year, has so far proven to be extremely accurate.
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Please Don’t Try to Bike Over the Hump Pls
Labyrinth: Grades Search
Aries
March 21 - April 19
Everything shower every day
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Has an extensive tote bag collection but never brings one to Trader Joe’s
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
Reusing condoms
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Collecting tears to water their plants
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Asking to shower together to “save water”
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Air conditioning and electric blanket running simultaneously
Libra
September 23 - October 22
Has gone from Temu to SHEIN for bikini purchases
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Fracking
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
On their 10th flight out of Santa Barbara Airport this month
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Owns seven Stanley cups
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Wrote their environmental ethics essay with ChatGPT
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Vegan contributing to Big Almond
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