Halloween in Isla Vista: every parent’s nightmare, and every sex columnist’s dream. My job is to be creative and think of dirty topics to write about, and here y’all are, strutting down Del Playa Drive seducing each other and handing me sex ideas on a silver freakin’ platter – it’s almost not fair. In the words of Will Ferrell – it’s like fishing with dynamite. Really, the most pronounced part of the infamous I.V. Halloween scene is how easy it is to sex it up with your costume counterpart.
Some of you – although not many, considering this is I.V. and real relationships are few and far between – are lucky enough to have a built-in buddy to role-play with. I’m sure plenty of you adorable couples took this annual opportunity to dress up as Han Solo and Princess Leia or Tommy and Angelica – nothing gets a dude hard like diapers – but let’s be honest, the novelty of costumes only lasts for so long. Any time I’ve tried to have sex in character, the role-playing lasts for about the amount of time it takes to pull off the sombrero, and then I’m just so goddamn excited to bounce up-and-down on top that I forget I’m supposed to be fighting bulls. But that could just be me. My friend said she once played submissive secretary to the sexist CEO up until his roommate walked in and called Social Services, so apparently some of you have more concentration than I do.
The reason people come to I.V. for the haunted holiday is to have sex. OK, OK, I’m sure some of you were truly interested in the aesthetic creativity of your fellow college students. But I would bet my vibrator on the fact that the majority of you kids and your visitors went out in hopes of getting slain by Buffy. The boys wear funny outfits to attract girls, and the girls wear risqué outfits to be attractive. The coordination between the two sexes is impeccable – it’s synergy, really.
In certain cases, the quest to get laid by your perfect partner is aided by the content of the costume – if you’re dressed as Sonny and your crush happens to be costumed as Cher, she’s pretty much a sure thing. Stop looking. But even those of you who dress as the Lone Ranger and effectively eliminate all chances of a counterpart can still find your perfect pair, using sheer creativity alone.
Picture this: A girl is walking down DP with her posse, all of whom are wearing scraps of fabric that cover their nipples and their genitals and nothing else – I know you’re supposed to be an Indian, but I can only tell from the feather on your head. Said group approaches an entourage of guys: One of them is a clown, another is Ron Burgundy from Anchorman, their friend is dressed as Marilyn Monroe. The men start cracking jokes to entertain the girls, and the ladies eat it up. Just when the girls are properly warmed up, enter the guys’ other friend – the one who is dressed as a kissing booth. One of the women is sure to plant a big one, in return for the entertainment. Bam. Now the kissing booth’s got an Indian to suck him off. There may not be a Disney movie about that particular pairing, but hey, at least he got a blowjob.
Then there’s the other method of attracting your Halloween sex partner: Take advantage of that costume to find something in common. Hey, sweetheart, I see that tonight you’re a banana and I’m a gorilla… can I eat you? You’re a jailbird who lost half of her outfit? What a coincidence, I’m a cop, let me pat you down. Nice to meet you, Angelina, I’m Brad – I’ll raid your tomb anytime, baby.
The only time it’s actually difficult to get laid by your wannabe hookup on Halloween weekend is when the two of you literally can’t find each other. Say you’re both dressed as pirates – between the two of you, there’s one too many eye patches blocking your view.
So tonight, take my advice and dress up as Dick – I’m sure you’ll find your Jane.