A couple of weeks ago, I woke up curled comfortably next to one of my best friends. He jolted up, looked at me, and then with a disappointed look on his face, muttered, “Shit, I thought I got laid f...
read more
Imagine coming home from a night on the town. You’re hungry, drunk and totally out of food.
read more
Double the ones, double the fun? This weekend was my co-22nd birthday party, and when six bodacious females throw a rager, guys are inevitably going to show up. Yet, despite the luxurious number of co...
read more
Do you remember the kindergarten friend who taught you how to get all the way across the monkey bars? Or the friend you had in middle school who stuck by you through the tumultuous headgear years? Wha...
read more
If you never got the memo, Spring Break is just epic preparation for its successor, an annual phenomenon that arrives just in the nick of time: Spring Quarter. For the past three years I've greeted th...
read more
If you never got the memo, Spring Break is just epic preparation for its successor, an annual phenomenon that arrives just in the nick of time: Spring Quarter. For the past three years I've greeted th...
read more
In an effort to improve our sewer-classiness to red-light-district-classiness, this week's topic will be a lesson in etiquette. Note: I am in no way insulting spliff-smoking at graduation, 9 a.m. hand...
read more
Dark coils of hair decorate his chest, and his muscular arms grip my waist with a lusty firmness. He rips off my underwear and pushes me against the wall and... whoops! Sorry, guys. Didn't mean for yo...
read more
Did you know there are over 21,000 students enrolled at UCSB? That's 21,000 chances to meet someone you can converse with, flirt with and sleep with. The series of events along our condom-lined path t...
read more
Ah, Spring. It has arrived in full bloom, along with cloudless skies and girls in bikinis and UGGs working on their February tans. As the weather continues its persistent custom of cycling from warm t...
read more
Take cover, children. Cupid will be here in just four days, and he is covered in heart-shaped boils ejaculating chocolate-flavored pus. Based on my past several Valentine's Days, this diaper-clad ange...
read more
I've been writing this column for about six weeks now, and word is finally getting around. People from the dorms who used to conveniently receive text messages when they passed me at the gym are sudde...
read more
This article is dedicated to guys out there who have suffered from Limp Dick Syndrome: a condition that does NOT result in crazy hot sex and is caused by nervousness, malfunction or excessive alcohol ...
read more
Hello. My name is Kera, and I'm a drunk dialer. It's been a rough seven weeks, two days and about 13 hours, but I'm finally cured. If it weren't for the support of my sponsor, Sext Message, I might be...
read more
When my English professor asked our class what we did over Winter Break, I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't prepared to inform 38 strangers that I spent my vacation investigating Santa Barbara's sexual de...
read more
Ends on ‘good terms’ but is blocked on Instagram
Slow fade
Ghosting them on a random Monday
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Drunk Uber “we need to talk” voice memo
Presents a notes app pros and cons list
Asks to still be friends
Drops their stuff off, never speaks to them again
Texts “this isn’t working” then posts from another country
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Tells them they need to focus on Econ 10A
Delivers a hand-written letter to their mom
