The dictionary definition of classy reads: “of high class, or grade; stylish; elegant.” Wait, that’s I.V.! Not only is this the most expensive slum in the nation (high class) and teeming with badunkadunks in Dolce & Gabbana bikinis (stylish), but as residents of this sexilicious town, we exude elegance… right?
Well, almost respectable then. In an effort to improve our sewer-classiness to red-light-district-classiness, this week’s topic will be a lesson in etiquette. Note: I am in no way insulting spliff-smoking at graduation, 9 a.m. handle pulls of Sailor Jerry’s, or depositing used condoms on a stranger’s windshield.
Why is it that Santa Barbara loves labels, but the “boyfriend/girlfriend” brand is perpetually out of season? After conducting a super-scientific survey over Jell-O shots, I learned that some Gauchos have been hooking up with the same person for as long as five months! While I’m reluctant to chain myself to the first Tom, Dick or Harry that takes me to dinner outside of I.V., I’m not averse to unofficial agreements. Hell, I’d endorse anything that ensures regular weekday romps and a breakfast burrito partner. It’s pretty easy to hang on to a lover for a hot minute if you don’t ask too many questions, but when you inevitably fall for a sexier, taller, richer lover in Cabo, you’ll have to face an unavoidable question: What is the proper etiquette for ending an unofficial relationship?
Call it what you will, ending a physical relationship that included sober sex and public outings for an extended period of time is a break-up, and must be treated as such. For the dum-dums out there wondering “Why bother discussing anything with someone you’re no longer interested in?” take this time to shove your Rainbow into your anus, up your urethra and store it in the empty space where your balls used to be. Failure to communicate the end of the relationship may result in the following condition(s): A surge of progressively needy texts, a lengthy Facebook note detailing your deficiencies in bed, the arrival of this person the night before your 8 a.m. midterm hollering “[your name here] IS AN ASS!”, an anonymous gift that turns out to be anthrax and/or publishing examples of your dickheadedness in the Nexus. The most compelling reason for an amicable ending is for-old-times’-sake-sex. Chances are you’ll hit a dry spell (cough… karma… cough) and you’ll be happy to have a familiar G-spot on the back burner.
As a veteran fizzler, I know how unattractive confrontation is. No one wants to feel like an asshole and no one wants to deal with drama (e.g. crying, punching walls, seizures). Acknowledgement should be proportional in content and method to the seriousness of the relationship. For example, if you’ve been casually dating someone for about three weeks, I recommend the Facebook message/text approach: “I’ve had a blast hanging out, but I have a lot on my plate right now. I’m not in the place to be more than friends.” It’s personal without being confrontational, and they’ll appreciate your honesty.
If there was real dates, butterflies and sober kissing, the situation requires more attention. Tell them that you’ve had a lot of fun, but you’re not looking for a relationship, and you don’t want to string them along. It shows you care about something besides your mojo and hence are not an asshole. More than three months with the same person suggests a mutual attachment. Ignoring them for two weeks, then sending an “I’m trying to figure my shit out right now” message simply doesn’t cut it. Why not hang out one last time and get in at least two simultaneous orgasms? Later, explain that you still have feelings for them, but you’re on different pages and you need your independence. At this point, sex and honesty will go a lot farther than avoidance. You might even have salvaged the opportunity to engage in bathroom sex when you cross paths downtown.
Well, that’s it for today’s etiquette lesson. Go forth, and use this information wisely. Next week: Learn the dos and don’ts of freak-dancing at family functions.